Caught in the Middle…Decode…

I am stuck in the middle. My sister and father are all for me playing hard ball and depriving my husband of all the things that he gets to enjoy in his life with me in it. My Car. Cellphone. My Cooking. My Flat. My Lifestyle.  But they don’t get how it isn’t in my nature to be mean. I love him and want to help him, but I am torn because of all the pain that he puts me through and the pain I feel when I see him hurting himself.

He is an alcoholic and he needs help. I know he is a Zulu and by culture is stubborn and hard skin, but now that he seems to be willing to take on help and learn, how can I leave him and pull away. just over 3 years ago, I stood in front of G-d and our family and friends, and even though it isn’t legal, I did swear to stand by him and support him in sickness and in health. So how can I walk away now when he is sick?

But on the other hand he has hurt me. He has verbally abused me and is stealing away the good years of my life. I look around and see my friends with their babies…I see their pictures of holiday trips…I see them enjoying life. But I have fed myself with sugar to feed my comfort and depression. My husband feeds his depression with alcohol.

I thought that when I took on the journey on becoming Jewish that everything would make sense. I would find solace and all the pain would stop. But that isn’t so. I realize now that I am going to be doing this journey more on my own. At least until he gets better. Tomorrow starts off with the Fast of Esther and ends with Purim. He is meant to come with me to the the Purim party…but because there is going to be lots of alcohol there, and he doesn’t feel strong enough to turn away from it and I don’t intend on spending my evening patrolling him, he won’t go.

Is this how it is always going to be? Me going to places on my own because there is going to be alcohol and my husband is an alcoholic? I guess it is that question and questions like that, that makes me want to show him the door and make him leave.

Well I remember who I was, I just don’t know if I can be that person anymore. And I cannot blame him entirely. I used to be fun! Always dancing! Laughing! Living life to the fullest! Being Social was my MO! Now I am happy just lying in my bed, eating a slab of chocolate on my own…and sipping a 500ml bottle of some sugary drink…never mind that I may just pig out on a pizza for supper.

I guess that lyric is a lie, because I can think of who I was and I remember who I was, I just don’t know how to be that person anymore. I guess……I don’t know where to go and who to please.

I can please my family, and I tell my husband to go. If I please my husband, I will loose focus of myself and what I want and just aim on fixing him and putting together all his broken parts.

Last night…I got home from work…..supper was cooked already, as I had cooked it the night before.…so I could just relax. But the flat was so quiet. My husband hadn’t come home yet. I felt so alone.

He walked home from the bus stop, because he didn’t have enough money to take public transport. So he got home at like 7pm. that was about a 1.5hr walk.

I felt bad.

And so this morning I let him take the car. When I told my sister she called me a QUITTER. I am still standing strong on him getting help and him following through on mending his broken pieces, but how can I be mean and stern when it breaks my heart and hurts me too.

 

 

I am so grateful to have my family to turn to and to advise me and help me. But if they are always telling me what to do, and thinking that their way is the only way and that they know best, how will I ever learn? How will I carve out my own life?

He is my husband. I am the one that shares a bed with him. I am the one that loves him. I am the one that he hurts. I am the one that sees his good and bad.

I don’t interfere with their lives…well of course I am the baby in the family and let them have opinions and microphones into my life.

I only plan on getting married once. And so I choose to stand by my husband, even though on Facebook I have written him off. I plan to stand by him from a distance.