I just miss her

It’s after midnight and I’m sitting in the dark and really trying to understand where things went wrong for me. I know she cheated and lied and more or less destroyed me, but I miss her. All I want to do is talk to her and hold her again to stop feeling all the hurt and pain I’ve been through because of her.

I’m so lost in my life that I can’t live it. If there isn’t a God, then there’s no master plan and I am the problem. I am the bald ugly annoying guy. I am the cause of peoples embarrassment. I am the anchor of others dreams. I am every insult ever said to me.

Ithe way I see it, Patty was the best I could possibly do. What a horrible, selfish, and chauvinistic thing to say, I know, but I say it from a place of pain that average men know all to real. This is going to piss people off but any woman around my age that is physically appealing is either married or not around any dating site or place I would be at. What’s left are bitter women who were taken for a ride several time over the last 30 years. Women that have either let themselves go or just partied so much and so hard they look bad and act worse. Then, I’m so sorry for this, there are just plain ugly and unkempt and it’s so “shockingly” there that you can’t get past it to see the beautiful person they may be. Yet, I’m the last person to judge. Maybe way back in 1999 I was good enough looking to attract my ex so she would give me a chance to show her the real me, but no more. I’m short and bald with a big head. My smile seems forced and isn’t something to light up the room. My clothes never look or feel right, it’s like I choose to get dressed in the dark. I’m poor and starting over with nothing at 51, at time where most people have there lives and future set and now they want travel, spoil their Grandkids, and admire the life and effort that brought them to the comfort they now enjoy. I’m a washed up lover that couldn’t keep my wife, friends, and family happy and secure enough, so they .over on without me, not caring what so ever about whether I live or die. No looking back and no second chances. 20 years didn’t mean shit to her. 40 years didn’t mean shit to my friends, my “best” friends. 51 years and blood doesn’t me shit to my sister and brothers.

As I sat in the hospital this week, I chose not to call anyone because deep down I knew that none of them would care. They all found out yet not one call, not one text, and not one visit. Do you realize how hard it is to change who you are and have been for 51 years? How hard it is to build a new life without the least bit of foundation? I’ve yet to personally meet someone who didn’t have a friend or a family when they’re marriages ended. People fell over backwards to help and console my two friends when they were wronged and cheated on and going through their divorces. I was chided, yelled at, or just plainly ignored for mine, a marriage that lasted year longer than any of theirs.

What’s it matter. My life now is being behind a month on every bill. Being ignored or receiving dirty looks and being made to feel creepy for just saying hi. Starting every with the disappointment that I woke up again in this nightmare I live. Ending each wishing that I don’t wake in the morning.

I have and always will, hated myself. For being other’s burden. Being the constant odd man out. Being a shitty part time father. Not being capable to be alone. I’m just so alone.

I just miss her. She was the only person who made me feel like I mattered, and then she didn’t.