He will never go away.

It never actually ends.

He hasn’t moved. Still working. Still has his boat and everything at the house. Texted me again that he would pay to amend my taxes. When I politely declined I got a message that I could and chose not to. Surprise. And I was a fucking thief. How filing my taxes legally makes me a thief is beyond me. Whatever. I realized he must have decided to keep his job or something. That’s the only thing that would make him want money so badly. If he isn’t cashing out that 401K and pension.

Then I worked today – The cook says – hey, just a heads up, regular customer XYZ asked which waitress you are. I was confused. I wait on this guy daily. Welllll, he wasn’t sure on my name but a guy at his work was asking him a bunch of questions about me. He thought maybe it was my ex. She then told him he was bad news and to not give him any info of my life as he’s insane and it wouldn’t end well. Ughhhhhhhh. She then says, I just thought you should know he’s STILL talking about you and asking about you and he’s still around. Be careful.

Of course he is. Why would I expect anything less? Why can’t he just forget I exist. Would it be THAT hard?

There’s nothing he can learn from my regulars. He knows the car I drive. He drives past the restaurant on his way to work and his way home. He knows where I am. There’s literally nothing I can do about it. It’s a small town. No matter what I do he will know. I just thought he’d get tired of me. Think again.

I can still see his accounts. No truck payment since December. No credit card payments in over a month. Most are maxed out. Still CashApp for drugs and sex sites. Credit score has now dropped from 800 to 530. His debt is now over $63K between a truck and credit cards. Plus he owes me and taxes. So add another $20K to that debt. He’s getting to the point of having nothing left to lose. And that’s scary. At one point I wondered if he planned to kill himself and would just max everything out first. Now I simply pray the only person he plans to kill is himself if that’s the route he’s going. I just don’t know why he’d accrue so much debt if he ever thought he’d have to pay it.

I can’t get a protection order unless he does something new and awful. But it’s just a worthless piece of paper anyways. The only real protection is myself. I’ve got the gun, I’ve got two boxes of ammo. I’m careful and cautious. I just wish I knew what was going on in his fucked up mind. And I honestly have NO idea. None. He could be high and that stupid. He could be plotting the worst. Who knows.

The really messed up thing is the fact I even have to wonder about this. To question. To have these remote fears and thoughts. I should have walked away the moment I met him 14 years ago. Never looking back.

I’m over coaching this year too. I just don’t want to do it. At all. I keep telling myself to give it time. I loved this program once. Truly loved it. Maybe it’s just all the changes. But I HATE going. Hate it. Obviously, I’ll make it through this year. Debating next year. I feel like I should try next year too when I’ve had time to adjust to my life and if I still hate it. Then be done. I don’t want to quit if it’s just how stressful life has been and the asshole making me feel this way. He doesn’t get to take another single thing I enjoyed away. Yet, maybe it’s ran it’s course. We will see how I feel after state in April and then going into December I guess.

My bird also got sick. Super sick. I ran her to the vet Wednesday the moment I noticed and she has an upper respiratory infection. She got meds right away and is already feeling better. New issue is I have to give her a shot daily for a week. Ever tried to give a bird who hates you a shot?  Not cool. To begin with she was okay. Today – Today my finger is swollen, bruised, punctured. I expect as she feels better it will get worse and worse. Ugh. She’s lucky I love her because she sure doesn’t love me. At all.

And I’m annoyed with Max. Somedays I feel like I never should have dated. Ever. We hash this out in therapy weekly. My therapist thinks it’s great as he really challenges me and I 100% stand up for myself and my boundaries. Yeah, great, I’d rather be single with no need of boundaries than challenged somedays. He’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met. With that said, he’s also the stupidest with awful social skills somedays. We get 2 days off together every two weeks. Max. Often it’s less than this if I pick up extra shifts. Thus, in my opinion he’d save those two rare days to do things together. Nope, he makes stupid plans to go work on something he could have worked on EVERY day I worked and he had off. Why be productive those days? I’m not his mom and not going to go supervise his work. No thank you. So, today I got off and he mentions going to his parents to work on the car there. Ummmm, you couldn’t do this while I worked today or yesterday? Then he says we can go out there just to visit. That sounds great. As I’m driving he mentions he’ll probably have to do the work while we are there. No. Thank you. I turned around. Drove home. Told him to go himself. That’s not what I’m doing on my 24 hours off work dude. Then he says he won’t go – You made the plans. Go do the shit. But now, remember I’m done planning on spending my time off with you and don’t be upset when I have plans. Because that’s my boundary. From now on – I’m only planning for me. The end.

I sound like an asshole. Yet, I don’t think my expectation is awful. He’s literally got 6.5 days off in a row that I work that he could do these things. It’s fine if he wants to do them. But I won’t be here waiting to see if he’s making plans with me. I’m not playing that game. Ever. Again. And it just annoys me. Wanting 3-4 days a month reserved for me if you’re dating me isn’t a lot in my opinion. So, I’m doing me. It’s all I can do.

And right now the only thing I can think that I want to do is…. Clean, sleep, Netflix. Not babysit his projects. At all. Especially while getting some church speech from his mom. This girl is so good on all that, it isn’t even funny.

So, I guess I’ll start laundry, ponder Captain Douche’s ulterior motives in life and figure out what I actually want to do for my Saturday night. (I suspect sleep will be the winner.)