Co – Dependent

Met with Psychiatrist this morning. My oldest sister joined me.

I admitted, in front of my sister, how I don’t want to be alone and honestly that is a huge reason why I am holding onto my marriage. They both went on about how my husband is doing nothing and just feeds me lies. My sister is the leader of his  , she is not his fan at all.

My Psychiatrist told me how in terms of my depression, she believes that I will manage having the Obera Balloon…but because she knows how my husband is and how I don’t have his support. He is the cause of a lot of depression and my comforting eating. So that is going to halt any possibility of me being able to have the Balloon.

When I got home after spending some time with my sister, he was cleaning the flat…I mean yeah sure it looks cleaner, but I know when he goes on a cleaning mission there is usually alcohol involved.

This morning when I was in Shul, he asked me for my bank card so he could buy his mother airtime.  I am kinda regretting that now.

Anyway…so now I am home. I pull him aside and decide that I need to be strong and tell him how I really feel.

He didn’t go to AA on Thursday, because he has now found a sponsor at work, a girl who says has been sober for 6 months, and he has told his colleagues and bosses about his addiction, they all now support him and he now doesn’t need help from outside parties. Today I told him that I don’t trust his work and insist on him going to AA.  Because they have all know about his history with alcohol, he was hired to work at this place, while he was in rehab for this addiction. Why didn’t they support him stopping to drink all those years ago? Instead his Directors sponsor braai’s and unlimited alcohol to all the staff, when they have end of the month or work achievement staff gatherings.

So while I am going about this, he stops me and points out how I am seeing dieticians all the time, but I never follow through, so what right do I have to come down on him. This week when I told him I hate put on a kg of weight, he tells me how he has lost 2kg. While he is going on, I am switching off. Again he is turning the conversation about his drinking to me and my problem. I shouted back, that at least I am getting help, and then pointed out that this isn’t about me and me being fat and struggling to diet.

So I got up off the couch and went to the bedroom.

While watching Friends…I fell asleep. I woke up to load shedding and a drunk husband. I saw on my phone a notification that my bank card had been used at a liquor store. . I asked him about it and after a bit he admitted to buying it when he bought his mom air-time. I told him, that can’t be it because he bought airtime at 10am this morning (got a notification for a purchase at a supermarket, at that time) but the liquor transaction happened at 3pm. So he admitted to buying alcohol while I was sleeping, but he blamed it on me.

.

 Because he got distressed after our talk. It was because of the way I went off at him. Because he believes that I think I am better than him.

I told my sister that I want out. I told her how I don’t want to be married to him anymore. There have been 10 weeks in the year so far. I think I have only enjoyed 1 weekend this year. And that was after making the effort to meet with my friends. And I just enjoyed a few hours on Saturday, because I remember coming home to a husband that had been drinking.

I feel alone and I have decided that I would rather be alone than to keep being married to a man that continues to makes me feel alone, makes me hate life, makes me  question my worth and drags me into depression.

At the psychiatrist today, my sister asked me; why I am still with him, and I couldn’t answer her.

Tonight, while I was sitting in darkness, I told my sister. I told my sister, via WhatAspp, that I wanted out. I don’t want to be married to him, anymore. She advised that I speak to him about ending our relationship with a therapist.