It’s a hard thing…..

It’s a hard thing to finally come to the realization that you are no longer loved and thought about. That your existence doesn’t mean dick to most everyone. Once again I found myself lying in an ER bed with just the overwhelming thoughts of dying alone and no one would find out for days or even a week. Obviously, I’m ok or I wouldn’t be writing this.

I came home and looked at my cell and saw only one message, ” Who are you taking this weekend? ” from the ex. I answered her, telling her about my hospital visit, and got, ” Fine, no one I guess.” Yes, this is the concern people have for me. I can’t tell people I was in the ER because I get that answer or I am told, “we all have our problems.”

I had a severe panic attack at work and fainted. It hit me when I was in our garage here and I fell and cracked my head pretty hard into the concrete floor. I don’t remember anything but the onset of it. The whole out of nowhere pain in the chest and cold sweat pukey feeling. I came to in the ambulance. I’ve had these before but, it’s definitely starting to scare me as I reach the age where my Mother, GrandFather, and several other uncles, aunts, and cousins had actual heart attacks.

It hurts that my marriage fell apart for essentially money issues and my ex now acts as though I am more of an annoyance than someone she “loved” for 20 years. IDK, I realize that she has no reason to console me or see me, I just always thought she would be concerned. That anyone would be concerned. I just wish that God, fate, or karma would somehow show me the reason why I’ve become a nobody to everyone I’ve cared for all my life.