Tuesday

I finally found out why the IRS adjusted my return into a bill yesterday. Apparently, the “free” stimulus money wasn’t free at all. It’s not considered income, but somehow they figured out a way to get it back. It would have been nice to have informed taxpayers of this instead of hiding it within some mind-numbing political lawyer-like bill that the average person can’t or won’t read. Also, when they finally send a letter explaining if or not you can claim it, it was essentially 6 weeks into the season. So next year I will get screwed with claiming my kid because he will be 18 for a couple of weeks.

I have tried to be positive, yet I haven’t caught a break since the marriage ended. I got to say that it just doesn’t help to get advice from several people who have never been through a divorce or even been dumped. My ex is one of these people. She has maybe 2 boyfriends in school and dumped them both and then we got together. I guess she found Jesus in this new relationship because she can’t seem to talk to me because we’re divorced. Who cares that she lives in my family’s home and we have 4 children together. She has cut me out of her life completely. I’m not stupid, I realize you don’t talk all lovey-dovey with your ex especially if they are remarried, but you can still talk. Yeah I know, I’ve said this at least 200 times since I have been writing here.

I’m just as annoyed with myself for whining about this as I am sure people are reading or hearing it.

Truth is, I have no life to write about. Not that $3.99 breaks the bank, but it’s like throwing money into a wishing well, nothing comes of it. You don’t think I think the same things over and over? I have for 3 years. It’s all I do. With all the trying, all the exercise, all the healthy eating, and living, all the attempts to make new friends and hang out, all the therapy and medicines, I can’t get out of my head. Why is it when I lose, I lose so completely? I’m not special to anyone, I thought maybe my kids would have been at least a bit lost without me, but they, like everyone, just accepted my ex instantly ending things and moving a new man into her life. My heart tells me they love me, but my head knows that like most people, they never call, text, or write me.

So, let me tell you my sins. I lost several jobs during my marriage. Whether or not it was my fault or because I chose to, I lost them. I had never made a plan for our future. No 401 and no real savings. I essentially lost 2 cars to repossession. I am to blame for losing our first home, which was in her name. My Borderline Personality Disorder, which I did not understand I had at the time, caused me to be depressed and “woe is me”. That’s it. I realize I was hard to live with, but she never sat down and explained how it was making her feel even though we talked constantly. I never abused her, lied to her, cheated on her, and I always got us through things.

Screw it. I suck. I’m bald and short, overweight and ugly, and I should be happy that I can look back on life and say there was at least one person who a daily basis suppressed their gag reflex and somehow stayed with me until a better deal came along. The only unconditional love I ever felt came from two people who are long dead and gone. It’s been a hard but understandable lesson I have learned about how no one really cares or cared for me. I’m just a troll that hasn’t found the bridge to hide under.

I really wish I could write something special about my day, but I can’t. I wake in pain and sadness, crying over the dream I had. I force myself to shower, eat breakfast, and take my handful of pills. Drive to work while crying about how my life is shit. Get to work an hour and a half early to sit in the silence and try to compose me. Spend the day fielding the calls that the other salespeople can not understand, while they cherry-pick the big sales. I sit and listen to their comradery that never includes me even when I try to join the conversation, so I just sit in my office either writing on here or scanning the news on my computer. When the day is done, I drive home and the closer I get there the more sullen I get knowing I am returning to an empty blah apartment. I try to eat dinner with the crappy groceries I can afford. I don’t watch TV,  because when I see a couple in love or a family, I instantly lose my shit. I take the evening handful of meds along with a sleep aid, usually melatonin, and go to bed where I sit in the darkness and once again cry about the life, friends, and family I’ve lost. When I do sleep, I dream of them, not good things, but gut-wrenching pain and just being treated horribly. I wake several times every night, twist and turn, and then go back to the nightmares. I wake in pain and sadness, crying over the dream I had.

Also, it has been a month since I have heard from “the ones” who said they care and would be there for me.