Tuesday 3/8/22

12:54am It looks like it’s going to be an all nighter. Aids put me to bed around 10:30 last night. I feel wide awake and can’t calm down. I think I’m having racing thoughts about a lot of different things. Also had a couple accididents. Also,I’ve been experiencing very painful muscle spasms. and diahrea. All of these things are keeping me awake.

For one thing I’m thinking about more books. I am fn obsessed with books. I was browsing the Nook app bookstore. I came across a few more books I’d like to buy. But they will have to wait until next month. I am broke already. I’ve always been an avid reader. But since I’ve switched to ebooks I’ve gone crazy. I manage to read one then buy at least ten more each month. At this rate I will never read them all but I can’t get enough books.

It’s bad enough that I spend all my money on books. Then I think about them constantly. I think about what I’m currently reading and what I want to read next it is an addiction that has gotten out of hand. I start thinking about a book I just got to have. I will not stop thinking about it until I cave in and buy the damned books. My obsession with books is so bad if I had to choose between food and books books would win every time.

I think about other things as well. I obsess over finances. Towards the end of the month I start worrying about paying my rent. I imagine the hassle I will go through with the credit card company. I keep thinking the worse thing will happen which is I will not be able to use the credit card. The rent will not get paid. This never happens but I always think it will happen.

Then there is the arthritis pain. For some reason it is worse at night. Sometimes I can hr hrdly dly bare the pain. The muscle spasms I get are the worse. I experienced I very sharp and painful spasm. Sometimes they come right after another. It is so bad I wish I could cut off my leg. I really don’t want to do that I just wish the plain would go away so I can sleep.

It is two o’clock am. I’m still wide awake. They will be putting me in my chair by five By then I will be ready to crash.

8:00am I must have crashed at one point last night. I had terrible nightmares and woke up screaming a couple of times. Aids came in and said why are you telling? As if I really have control over it. I felt very bad for making noise but I just can’t help myself. I also peed myself a lot. I’m still in bed and the aids never changed me. They said they will do it after breakfast.

I had scrambled eggs, toast and hot cereal for breakfast. For drinks I had a glass of on. I asked for coffee but didn’t drink it. I just can’t drink utcoffee in bed because I bspill it everywhere. Breakfast was good and I ate it all. I’m still very sleepy but cannot sleep

I was reading over what I wrote earlier. I came to the conclusion that I’m bat shit crazy. Why else would woul I deprive myself of much needed sleep? Why else would I obsess and worry so much? Simple fact is that I’m a nut case who is one step ahead of a mental hospital.

Well I had a nice aid after breakfast. She gave me a good sponge bath and helped me in my wheelchair. I’m cleaned up and got on a clean gown. I don’t feel rested but feel lm not ready to crash. Still I feel a lot calmer. I’m above the dirt and might survive yet another day. Life is good.

9:51am Lack of sleep is starting to catch up to me. I’m feeling very drowsy right now. I want to fall a sleep in my chair but something keeps me awake. I’m tired as all get out but can’t sleep. Right now I feel like a car running on empty.I am on the verge of running out of gas. But that one drop of gasoline keeps me on the road. Whatever it is that’s keeping me going I’m about to run out. I guess I will keep going until I drop.

I could use a cup of hot coffee. I will get a jump start from the caffeine fix But I will not get coffee until they serve lunch which is at least three hours away. If I could I’d get off this wheelchair and lie in bed. But I cannot walk without help. I guess it’s for the best if I get too much coffee I would be wired and tired. That is not a good state to be I just have to togh it out.

Been exploring all the different apps on this tablet?vthey have one ap where you can watch movies and TV shows.vi think you have to pay for this one But I might check it out next month .Then I can get on You Tube and listen to music.It had all kinds of different apps and is like having a desk top but a lot cheaper.vibreallyblove it.

Just got my morning meds. I’m not sure what all I’m taking. They have me on a slew of meds. Nurse also took my oxygen level? It was 97.8% All  vitals checked out positive. I guess I really am above the dirt. I wasn’t sure for a while.

I talked with Chocolatechip this morning. She is doing ok. She said she had physical therapy appointments Wednesday but she cancelled but. She did not have a ride home. Chocolatechip said she also had a bad night. She was up early but had a hard time going back to sleep. I’m asked if anyone knocked on her door last night and she said no. She also talked about her upcoming appointments. I said you sure do have a busy schedule.

I talked about my new tablet. I said it works just like a computer. I talked about how you can get on the net. I also talked about getting back on  Facebook. I was kind of missing it this morning. I told her about how I was looking at my news feed She said be careful what you put on there and don’t put anything bad on there about the nursing home. I said I learned my lesson.

I am feeling much better. I’m on a second wind or they must of put something in my meds. I do not feel so tired now. I’m also not worried about anything. As i said to Chocolatechip I got my rent paid and that is the most important thing. I also got a new tablet and plenty of books to read. I might be broke but I have my butt covered.

12:22pm I’m defusing until lunch Today they are serving pork chop, mashed potatoes,peas. A dinner rolls and hello for desert? I hope to have my two cup of hot coffee and a glass of fruit punch. I’m hungry and am looking forward to my meal. But for now I’m just trying my best to chill I feel pretty calm but it won’t take to much to get agitated.i just want to relax for a while.

I just had my lunch. Everything was good but the coffee. It was ice cold. This is a bummer. Waited all morning for the a cup of hot coffee only to get very, very cold coffee. Damn

Well, I’m going to read my book Crosswinds of Freedom by James MagGregor Burns.