24

"Did you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?"

As it turns out, I don’t feel as grown up as i thought I would… with an age like "24" scribbled down on my medical forms, I guess I used to picture a woman who had it all figured out–someone who knew who she was, where she was going. I’ve spent most of my life in that place between having big dreams fueled with motivation and under the covers in my room feeling pathetic, guilty, empty.

I accept myself most in the presence of my sister. Her need for my company and her infectious laughter leave me whole and sure. Sure that all this is worth it. It’s a question I’ve struggled with since early high school. What’s all this work for? Where’s it gonna get me? Am I doing it right?  I’ve spent 6 years of my life in college working toward a degree that is, in my head, acceptable.. I guess. With everything that I’ve put into it (which still isn’t half as much as most of my overachieving classmates), I hope it gives something worthwhile back to me.  All this time..all this MONEY… all the work, the shitty apartments, the being far from home.. will it ever materialize into something that I will be grateful to have done?

I have all but extinguished a natural curiousity that I had as a kid. I’ve been "going through the motions" for longer than I care to admit. I envy people I see who seem to be so driven by something–some people still have the fire inside that pushes them upward, makes them grow. I don’t even know what I’m interested in anymore. It scares me that while others in PT school were frantically scribbling out notes on evidence based treatments, I was often doodling pointe shoes and palm trees in the corners of my powerpoint printouts.

It scares me that there are things that I need to let go, but don’t know how. I fall asleep and my dreams have no mercy for what my mind tries to suppress while I’m awake.

It scares me how easily I slip into depression.

It scares me that the most amazing guy I’ve ever known loves me for who I am in this moment, when I have no idea why he would. He too might wake up one day and think "What a mess" and start resenting me for things beyond my control (or as my experience has shown to be beyond my control to this point).

It scares me that I scare people away

on purpose.