8/1/07

I’ve been running around doing things that would have made my eighteen year old self drop her jaw to the floor in shock. And it’s fucked up, but i’ve been loving every minute. i’m pulling up to this phase in my life where i honestly don’t give a shit what people think. i don’t know what got me here. maybe it was all the nights i spent wimpering in a ball on the bathroom floor, in physical pain over something some loser said or did or didn’t do. it makes you hate yourself when your cry over someone who doesn’t deserve to be cried about.  it’s frustrating.. and i think i’ve finally had enough.

i’m not saying that i didn’t still wish i had a warm shoulder to lay my head on at night.  god i do.  but i’m realizing that there are a zillion guys with warm shoulders, and i should be more careful of which one i lay on next. a boy recently told me "you have a very big heart, and i can tell you’re not willing to give it away right now." he was right. as much as i love the security, i won’t let myself just settle. until then, i’ve got to practice having fun without  having feelings.  and in that aspect i’ve been doing alright.  this summer has been so hard but so good for me. i’ve learned a lot about myself.. about people..  some  of which i don’t like, but i’d rather know than be ignorant. life isn’t a fairytale and i’m not cinderella. love is usually not forever. being nice often gets you used. and you have to make your own luck.