cry tonight

it’s building up. But see, my eyes have been looking so vibrantly awake lately compared to how they normally are.. they’re usually my tell-tale sign that i’ve cried within the past few days.  I haven’t cried in a long time.  i like how my eyes look when i haven’t cried for a long time. But it’s building up. God, I like stability… I like feeling so in control. i feel like if i let go and cry right now like i want to, it will compromise everything.  my bottom lip begins to quiver, and i take a deep breath and swallow hard.  i won’t cry tonight.

the people i look up to are people who are non-dramatic.  they have thick skin and let things bounce off them. me, i’m more like a jar of honey without the jar. EVERYTHING.. sticks.

i don’t want to torture myself anymore.

i’m working on it. it’s getting better.  it’s not there yet.

it’s not that i don’t have a sense of humor about things that happen. life deals us some funny shit while we’re on this planet. but just because i can joke about things doesnt mean they don’t bother me.

 2 new entries in 2 days? thats when you know things need to get back to normal, soon.  i need to be occupied..  busy. thats how i like it.

also.

things have changed. sometimes life spins so fast that it looks like blur of colors in front of your face.. you can’t even move because you’re so fucking dizzy.  and those are the times when you turn to the things that you count on to stay the same. but then guess what, they’re not. sometimes, the things you expect to stay the same start to act like they don’t even want you around.  you start feeling like.. maybe its me? maybe i need to wake up and realize that NOTHING stays the same. NO ONE stays the same. 

maybe i am going to cry tonight.