like slow-spinning redemption

I have a chem exam tomorrow…. God help me.  It’s giving me butterflies…. I should have studied harder.  I should be studying now.   If not studying, then surely sleeping would have been a wise choice.   You all know me better than that, though… so here I am.

I am this dark-haired, pale, skinny, unhealthy-looking thing.  I don’t remember the last time I blow dried my hair or attempted to look pretty.  I run a lot, I work a lot, I study a lot.  (But not nearly as much as some.)  I am no longer afraid to walk out infront of a crowd feeling self-conscious due to lack of make-up or a 15 minutes worth of straightening my hair in front of the godforsaken mirror.  Bra-less in a tank top, in capris with legs that weren’t shaven that day.   I run on the tredmill shamelessy downstairs being the only girl in a room full of guys playing poker.  I assume carelessly that they don’t mind my noise.  A year ago I wouldn’t have done any of this.  I’m happy as a pale, dark-haired girl.  At least I’m not lying to myself or the rest of the world.  Here I am. 

Yesterday I hated everyone here… with a fiery passion.  Today.. eh.. it’s like they knew it and started making an effort today or something.  It’s like they knew I needed it.   I don’t need much attention, and I don’t even like it, but I need to know I can have people around when I really need them.   I opened my eyes today and realized there are about 3 walking angels on this campus.  And that’s enough in times like these.   That’s enough anytime, really. I was just spoiled at home… because I had so many angels there.  None anything like each other, but all so very essential.  You know what I mean?

I hate that no matter what, I can’t not be nice to people.  No matter how they treat me, no matter how much I feel used by them, no matter how fair-weather-friendish they can be.  I can dislike a person from the bottom of my heart, look into their eyes and see a nothing but shallow holes, and still smile at them in the hallways with some kind of impulsive sincerity in my eyes. I can still honestly laugh at their jokes and feel sorry for them when things aren’t going well, even though I know they would not give two shits and a fuck if I were the one upset.  I know this from experience.  I will always ignorantly let people walk on me.  I have improved 5% or so though, since my arrival here, I’d say.

If i haven’t talked to you in a while, I wish that weren’t the case.  Pleeeease know I’m still the same girl and I still want to talk to you, I still care what’s going on… I still want to know… I miss you all.

I’m gonna fail chem.  Goodnight loves.