Going Under
I feel like I have cried so many more. I have cried so many tears over the past 11 years, that I have no more tears to cry. I am feeling empty and alone. It is Friday night and I don’t think that I have said more than 10 words to my husband, and every word was filled with hate.
I thought that after last year he would see what his drinking does to me. But he still drank…and I still forgave him.
I feel like such a fool for continuing to believe him and hope that things will work out. Why do I keep forgiving him.
Maybe I am meant to be alone for the rest of my life. I am going to be 36 in a lil over 5 months…I have wasted my adult life with a guy that when sober chooses his work but says he works hard for me and loves me…but when it comes to the weekend, he will choose alcohol over me every time.
I keep choosing him. He is the poison that I keep drinking and I am going to die from.
I have said if before…and every day I mean it more. I need a change and I need answers and I feel that I need to walk away. But I am scared.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I am strong enough to actually make a decision. I am too ashamed to make a decision and it be the wrong one…or it be the one that will leave me alone for the rest of my life.
I love Going Under. 🙂 I hope that you will get the answers you seek. 🙂
So do I. Well I hope I get my answers.
Warning Comment
It’s never too late to make changes friend. There will always be people that judge no matter what you do, but you have to determine when you’ve reached your breaking point and know you’re worth more than that. Sometimes being alone versus in a bad situation is for the best and you just don’t know what the future holds. There could be another for you or you could find the magic key to get your husband back :/ I wish you the best of luck and just know you’re worth more than you’re giving yourself credit for.
❤️ Much Aloha
😘
Warning Comment
I lived the first twenty years of my marriage with a man who drank too much. I forgave him over and over and too, was afraid of leaving. You are still very young and have a lot of life left to live. Life is too short to live it unhappy. I did stay with my husband and he did change but when I look back on what I went through I still think I should have left.
@happyathome , I am sorry to say this. But it is comforting knowing that I am not alone nor the only one that has ever been in the position that I am in.
But on another note, when I look at how my relationship with my husband and myself has been for the past 11 years, I feel like I have wasted it and I am missing out, and I do regret staying with him. But when I just take a deep breathe I look back on the good times, and fear that I will never meet someone who can make me as happy as he does, and that we did make vows to be there for each other through the good and bad times, so when pretty much everyone else in his family has neglected him and only used him for money, how can I neglect him, maybe I should be the one to push him to right his wrongs and better himself.
But then again, I don’t think that I can live another 10 years with a guy that doesn’t want to admit his problem and get help for it.
@ncumisa I completely understand what you are saying. Even with my husband drinking, I would weigh the good against the bad sometimes and there was good…it’s just that the bad days were so bad that they overshadowed the good. My reason for staying was because I didn’t know where I would go and how I would survive without his help…I stayed out of fear of the unknown. I prayed and prayed that God would change him and that’s exactly who did. My husband started going to church with me and over time became the husband I always wished he would be. I do wish he had done it sooner but am thankful for how he is now. I know I don’t even know you but I truly hope things work out for you.
Even though it took a long time, I am glad that you are at a good place with your husband. I only hope that things stay on the good path for you. 💗
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