It’s Just a Little Crush…

I can’t remember when last I felt this way…and it feels so wrong to. I mean, I am married…I am a wife…I have a husband…but he doesn’t make me feel the way I feel when I see him…this other guy.

So I have started with my Conversion Class…and besides all the pressure of trying to manage life, home, work and classes and actually finding time to study; I am enjoying my time online learning a new language and gaining a more in depth knowledge of the Jewish religion.

But…there is this other guy…. When I saw him on zoom, on our first lesson I recognized him immediately.

We went to school together. Well not really…he was a few grades above me, but I remember him.

For the first few weeks I was too embarrassed to say anything to him…but then I talked myself up and asked him if he is the guy that went to this school I went to. He told me he did and that he recognized me…and his fiancée, recognized me too. His fiancée and I met at a Jewish Youth Movement, when we were just teenagers. She is about a year or two younger than me.

Now every time I see his face…I get little butterflies in my stomach. I mean of course nothing could ever happen…I don’t see myself ever being willing to cheat on my husband or any man I may be tied to and he is engaged.

After class and watching All American on tv last night, my husband and I went to bed…as per usual we rolled to our sides and lay watching some shows etc on our phones…as always we lay with our backs facing each other. Last night I wasn’t having it. I know that right now we are in a rocky place…but I wanted to feel my husband’s love for me and so I made him turn around and lay in his arms for awhile…

…while lying in his arms…I started to feel something that I never even knew I was missing…

and

…and so…we got real close last night. I went to bed feeling good and loved. And this morning I am still feeling it and he acknowledges that he has let things go by without being attentive and loving. This isn’t the answer to it all and our issues aren’t fixed. He is still an alcoholic that isn’t working on his addiction. I am still hurt for his lying. I am still wanting him to sort himself out with the help of a professional. But, like many times before I am going to be patient and see if we can work.