I Want to be Loved too…

I may come across and appear to be an independent and power driven Woman…but deep down inside I am a little girl that wants to be loved and appreciated…I want the man who claims to love me, to show me how much he truly does love me.

When I watch those sappy RomComs…you know when the guy pulls his girl into his arms and leads her in a dance, or just shows up one day with flowers…or takes the girl that he loves out to some romantic dinner…or surprises her in some romantic way. I want the guy who loves me to make an effort to show me that he loves me. At the end of a work day, I wan to feel that excitement to see my husband…

I mean yes it is all just movies so how real can it be, right? But I know it can be real. When I was a child, every Friday after work my father would go to this huge flower market and he would fill the backseat of his car with bunches of flowers for his true love…  The way my father would go out of his way to express his love for the women in his life ,  and was endless. I miss that. I miss the feeling of being appreciated, of being loved and just treated with some level of respect and appreciation.

I am 36…well almost 36 and I realize how this is it. Regardless what happens with my husband, I don’t see myself ever getting married again, or being able to enjoy being loved. I have chosen to love  a man who loves alcohol, his work and his dreams and family and his life more.

Last night when I took off my wedding rings and put it on the side of my bed, I told myself that I wouldn’t put it on again when I got ready for work. While I was driving to work this morning, I looked at my hand, and there they were. I hate that even when I am mad and wanting to pull away I am still holding onto my marriage and him.

Before work, we went to collect my new Bank Card for our new Account, he asked for the account number and so I gave it to him, when I got to work. He transferred money into it, something I have yet to do. Anyway…he then writes me a message saying…

This isn’t the first that he has lied to me. And seriously like WTF? We are adults, we are Husband and Wife, there should never be any reason to lie to someone, especially to someone you chose to share your life with.

This isn’t the first time he has used ‘EXCITEMENT’ as a reason for buying alcohol and for being rude and hurtful to me. Does this mean every time he is exited he is going to go on a drinking binge and lie to me?

I only replied with one line to him…. well three lines…

This morning when I got to work and after doing my morning routines at work…I had a moment where I thought I could forgive him and we could be all good.

But who am I joking?

The next 5 days will be good….he wont’ drink, we will be so hyped up with work and tired from early mornings and me doing my conversion, and keep our home running and with the Discovery Account, things may go well for us financially…but then the weekend will come and he will get drunk, say hurtful things to me, he will lie to me, I will just sink into my depression and stay secluded.

I could tell him to leave me…end this relationship, but I love him and I don’t want to be alone or without him…when things are good, they are really good. But I don’t want this anymore…so maybe I should follow through with what I said I was going to do yesterday, seek help in ending things with him. Or I could tell him to leave for a few months and we really decide if we are worth fighting for….