Puddle on the floor

I stopped by to see my boys about 4 hours ago. I haven’t stopped sobbing since. So many things going through my head that I’m about to just pass out from. I have no clue why I take the several pills every that is supposed to help me deal.

I miss my kids and even her. I just want my normal back. I haven’t had a day yet that my eyes haven’t weld up with tears and any of this makes sense. Over 3 years…

I anxious, I lost most everything I had. I have no savings, no rainy day fall back, and no retirement  savings. I stress every day as I live on the thin ice. If my job was gone tomorrow I’m screwed. No where go, no one to help me, and absolutely no support.

I’m at a loss about how people think or act. I used to be able to understand. How can a person spend 20 years with someone and instantly turn off all feelings like a switch?  Why does my dumbass still care about everyone who has ever hurt me? Why can’t I just stop like that?

I’m just so f@#ked in life right now. One more false move or set back and what little sanity I have managed to push together.

I’m mad at myself for not being a “man” about things. Like I’ve been told to “grow hair on my balls.” I’m mad at myself for mentally not being able to move on or get over. It’s been 3 years and here I am again writing the same entry just maybe changing a word or two. I’m mad that after 2 years of therapy and depression anxiety pills have done nothing for me.

I’m lost as to why I can’t seem to make a friend or meet a girlfriend. I’m not looking for a rebound or to make another over to be Patty. Christ, I’m 51, I know that soul mates don’t exist, but there has to be a woman out there that doesn’t want to be constantly alone. I’m not looking for a physical thing. If it goes OK, if it doesn’t for months ok,  I’m being real here, by this age most people have been through the ringer and understand that all our hopes and fantasies just don’t happen, but companionship still is nice and for the most part needed.

All I want to do lately is to just throw out all my stuff. Just keep the TV, couch, and bed. I don’t know how to decorate so I live in a dark blah apartment.  I was stupid to think someone who see me suffering and step up to help build me up or even give me push.

And if you’ve paid attention to my verbal diarrhea every day, I still haven’t heard from anyone, just an out of the blue Birthday greetings from my 1st ex wife and that’s only because mine is a month before hers on the 26th of March.

I kind of want to go outside and dig out a lawn chair and freeze. Enjoy the sweet cold air and the quiet of night and just close my eyes…