Thoughts R

Today was my long day at work and the only way I can make sure I get up at 3am is to stay up. It actually easier when I close the night before. I’ve got most the inventory in the back figured out now, I don’t don’t have any excuse not do the office work and setting stuff right. Ugh I gotta stop doing just truck.i should go in early tomorrow and spend the day in the office.  I really am starting to think it’s me. I don’t know what I do wrong but I drive everyone away. And I can’t read people for shit any more. I need to stop trying to have a social life. I can’t do “casual” sex. There has to be more for me to let my guard down unless there is more. Hell the last year at least I had to make myself sex with him. To get past all the fucked up shit he said to me just that day, cause it happend every day, to look at him and want him. When we did ya it felt good cause we fit but I had to close my eyes and just parent it wasn’t him. Just hands and organ. And I’d still get the hibijebies randomly some stime have to make him stop. I didn’t think I really had a sex “drive” any more I don’t really now but it’s weird wanting it all after so long of it grossing me out, because 10 minutes B4  he was accusing me of fuck 4 dudes while I was at work.  Or I had just walk in on him doing that sex chat shit or whatever that shits called. Now I’m afraid if I have sex with a guy I’ll be humiliated in some way

 

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February 27, 2022

I wouldn’t feel like having sex with someone who abused me either. It’s not you that has the problem.

 

February 27, 2022

@thebestisyettocome I gave the wrong impression. No my issue is I’m starting to be attracted to men again and It scares me. Im a magnet to the wrong kind of guy. I’m scared of being used or humiliated

 

 

February 27, 2022

I have been from age 17 till age 41 I’ve been someone’s girlfriend or wife.4 relationships 7 or 8 years apiece with very little single time in between. 5, 6 months. And Mom the whole time I don’t know how to be anything else.i don’t want a relationship. But I’ve been isolated is the only way I can say it even tho I work full time in retail. And before when kids were young I didn’t have time to be anything elsenow I have time and I do want a man to come and mess with my momentum in improving my family’s live and myself. I can’t be intimate with a stranger what guy want to put up with my damage for a woman that that works 60 hrs a week. I just going circle my urge is back but my heads to messed up to have a one stand or to meet a guy.