2/27/22

I woke up today feeling like s#$t. Not exactly physically, but just overall mentally. I’m tired of saying this but I don’t want to live this way anymore. My heart and my head are held captive by someone who I seriously think wouldn’t shed a tear for me I’d I was to die today. I really don’t understand why or what I have done to her and everyone. I hate the fact I can’t seem to embrace this new life. New freedom.  Maybe because I’m living all my fears. I’m alone, no friends or family. My sons are there, but they have their own lives and have almost instantly excepted their “step father “. He now is their day to day Dad and I’m just the weekend get away. I never did anything to deserve this. I can’t shake the feeling that I am going to die alone. That I will laying in some hospital alone and pass away, only hearing the machines around me.

I haven’t been able to save even $5 in these 3 years. I still live in a long dead marriage because I am still paying loans and bills. I have to write a check every week to my ex in her new married name. She doesn’t need to ever think of me at anytime. The kids never ask her about me and I’m sure in her mind, she has convinced herself to see him as their father. As yesterday,  no happy birthday. I never get updates on the kids. Never get told of their accomplishments or anything.

I can’t write anymore right now. I need to call someone like crisis services or try to get intouch with my therapist. My anxiety is going through the roof.