the lines of a lakeland

greeting from. um. me. or whatever.

whuddup yo. is something I might say if I had been born in a bad part of LA and raised by a single working mother who won’t let me get dreads even though my best friend Tamilla has them.

Monday started “grooming school”. Grooming school, even without the quotations, consists of the following

wake up at 7:00 a.m, dress myself in waterproof nylon pants and a smock, drive to Gilbert, sit with four other girls in the break room/training center and learn about puppies for three hours. We have stupid little workbooks with stupid little acronyms like STAR
Standards
Technique
Animal care
Relationships

Do you know the propers lines for a Lakeland Terrier? Well, I do. The tuck up to the front elbow, bitches.

The most disgusting thing about this grooming training course has to be the people involved. Now, now, I am a puppy lover like no other, but these people are fucking nutso. Their lives revolve around dog shows, grooming competition, confirmation classes, dog breeding.

Now, to make sure your smooth coated collie has the proper ear set, simply glue it down with fabric glue. There are five people in the class including me, me being the youngest, and, dare I say, cutest. hehe. A cuban girl who speaks little english and is my buddy cause she’s the only other girl who doesn’t talk much. A middle aged single mom with a long indian like braid, a 30 year old pregnant black chick with acrylic nails and a snippy attitude, and this knowitall suck up bitch named kristin with bleached blonde hair and heavy make up.

After three hours of nifty acronyms and blade care videos we go into the salon where, for the next five hours we learn grooming techniques and proper equipment use. I’ve shaved down part of a jack russel and today I dematted and scissored the feet of a shetland sheepdog. When my sheltie, Brea, was finished Karen, the instructor, told me it looked “beautiful”. Little did she know in the back I had held a dematter to Brea’s throat and warned her not to squirm during feet scissoring.

When I tell the other grooming students my dog is a mutt, they look at me as if to offer sympathy.

Training lets out at four and I hurry home to eat and change and write in tee oh dee before reeeegular college begins at seven and runs until ten. Tonight is my very first creative writing class and you can bet your fucking lame ass I am going to be waaaaaay more scared of that than I am of giving a great pyranese a sanitary cut.

Last night I ate until vomit level at rositas and shopped for cds with jane and jenny and the girlfriend. bought the moldy peaches, code name rocky, and the eyeliners. the eyeliners are highly mediocre but the purchase was to ensure fimiliarity when we attend their show at modified arts this sunday.

this heavy schedule is making me flutter not like a butterfly but more like a fucking black women on three different drugs.

specials guest september third, RSVP only.