my life since depression

(TW: a lot of shit) fuck this i always get so scared to write out how i feel bc i think SOMEONE is watching me but idgaf anymore bc i need to get this out. i am a genderfluid lesbian (afab). and i hate everything. i got diagnosed with depression in august 2021. right when school started. i got put on meds in november. around my fucking birthday. how is that fair? anyways. im in middle school and i already got in a fucked up relationship last year. i was in a friend group that was ultimately bad for me, and they pushed me to date one of my old friends. big mistake. she started getting sexual which i wasnt ready for. and then started saying how her mom was homophobic and we couldnt date out of nowhere? my friend convinced me to go on my ex’s snap account since i had the log in and peer pressure did its thing. by going on her account i found that she was cheating on me with over 10 ppl and sending them nudes. i was so drained. right after i confronted her she just cried and said they forced her when i read the convos between them and everytime she was the one who offered? like wtf? i just apologized bc i didnt know what to do. we’re still friends to this day. i hate how nice i can be sometimes. luckily i got out of the friend group. i was in a horrible spot for months after that. i only had one friend and he had just recently made a bunch of new friends. now we didnt just have eachother. i had him. he had everyone. i stopped going to school. screwed up my relationship with my mom. self harmed. and was deep in a hole i couldnt seem to get out of. then i was given the meds. they made everything better. one a day kept the sadness away. i still didnt go to school though. just didnt wanna. eventually in the next semester of 2022 i started going every week. maybe not every day of every week, but atleast twice a week. i made new friends and got happy. i hadnt self harmed for awhile, had gotten closer with my brother, everything was looking up. yeah, i had some sad days. but thats normal. the friends i had made, ill call them K, J, and Z. i was close with Z bc we were both lesbians. and J was always fun to be around and be on call with. K and i werent the closest, but we still talked at school and stuff. me and Z became especially close when i went away two weeks ago for a week in another state. we called every day saying how we missed eachother. then they started dropping hints that they were gonna ask me out when i got back. saying “i have something to ask u but its important so i dont wanna do it over text.” i got scared. i hadnt been in a relationship since my ex. but i REEAALLLYYY liked Z 🙂 so when i got back we hung out with eachother immediately. we went to their house and had a sleepover. which is when they said “i have a crush on u” and i said “i have a crush on u too” if u understand what i mean 😉 we started dating that day (aka 3 days ago!!) now whenever i think of them i get butterflies. and i cant wait to see them at school tomorrow. i can tell they’re someone i genuinely care about. and i can tell they rlly care ab me too! but yesterday it got complicated… i also recently found out J has a crush on me. and Z knows about this too. Z doesnt wanna lose J as a friend, so they asked me if i’d be ok with not telling them. obviously i said of course! i understand not wanting to lose a friend. but then they asked later in the day if we could just not tell anyone. incase someone found out and told J. i said im fine with it, because i understand what they’re worrying about. but here’s where my trust issues kick in. i KNOW Z would never do anything to hurt me. and i KNOW they’re nothing like my ex. but my ex also kept me a secret, and it led me to a world of hurt. i havent been taking my meds lately, so this caused me to go into an episode. i relapsed on my cutting and i can feel my ED coming back. im so scared. i dont want Z to date someone with a shit ton of problems bc they previously also had a bad relationship. i can see something rlly good happening between us. why do i have to screw it up? why cant i just take my fucking meds? i know my meds make me happy. so why wont i take them.