The house plant

They say be careful what you ask or wish for. This too, along with anger is on my mind. Somehow the subject of her new husband came up last night with my son Morgen. I wasn’t asking, he made a comment about something we were watching about him, which unfortunately I took as an invitation to ask the really stupid questions I never should have. Apparently, my boys all do things with him. You know, all the things I did or wanted to do as they age. On one of these “trips” with Morgen, he told him of how he “met” my ex. He supposedly fell instantly in love with her, as I am sure any man 20 years older than a woman would. He went on to say that once he learned she was married, he backed off, yeah right. When he found out she was unhappy though all bets were off. He actually told my son that he promised my ex that she would never want for anything unlike “your Father” has done to her for years. Oh, he assured my son that he thinks I am a good man, but that his mother needs more than I could give her.

And so, just one more person that has come into my life and has taken something or someone from me without thought or regrets. That’s been my story all my life, losing. In school, people would take credit for things I did or steal the girl I liked. I never had a “bro code” with my best friends and that was plain to see when Tony immediately hooked up with a girl I just broke things off with. I honestly was happy he got a girlfriend, but it turned into “I can’t hang out with you because she’s your ex” bull shit for the rest of high school and now like then the other 2 guys I considered friends all hitched their wagons to Tony and left me standing there alone. I guess I shouldn’t have put so much hope in them nowadays and how they have turned away from me.

I am pathetic. What a worthless waste of skin I have been for all my life. I have all the answers I have ever asked for right in front of me. It’s always been me. I’m reached for the moon when I had no business in the stars. No one pities me as much as I pity myself and no one cares that I have and constantly still get walked on and over by everyone. Two marriages, two wives have seen me as a no-good, worthless piece of shit and they ran at the first chance and never looked back, never even acknowledging I was in their lives. My friends and siblings, not one once of compassion, just frustration that I was bothering them. My own children, never questioning why mom made dad leave or who was the new guy who showed the exact same day and has never left. It’s as if the last 32 years of my life never happened. Like a twilight zone episode, I run to each and everyone who has been in my life the whole time, and not one of them remembers or knows who I am.

The only thing keeping me on this side of the dirt is my conscience. If I was to just leave and disappear I would constantly quilt myself for others’ troubles or sadness. The same people who won’t piss on me if I was on fire. I have to assure myself constantly that I am important to my children because if I don’t I don’t think I would ever hear from them. Also, I could never just leave, I have nothing and no one. No savings or retirement.  I realize I have a problem. I know I need mental help, but what can you do when you can’t afford all that? Where is my guarding angel to enter my life and show me I matter?  Where are my 3 ghosts who visit me and show me I matter?  Where is my Clarence on the cold, snow bridge I want to jump from? Like it or not, Patty has him, he swooped in with his money and saved her from the horrible man I was. My sister has her husband who threatened me away from her, my own sister. My friends, they have each other, and frankly, I wasn’t part of their lives since 1987 no matter what I have done for the both of them. I have never been able to count on either one of my brothers, ever. The only people who I knew would be there are now dead and gone. 

No matter how much I scrub and wash or change I wear this shit on me like a cloud of dust on Pigpen from Peanuts. I guess the only way I can make how I feel understandable is like this: A flower needs care, water, and sunshine to live and thrive. If it doesn’t it wilts and dies, but if someone notices it just before the end, they can nurse it back into health. I really believe I’m at that point. The point is I just can’t do it for myself and I need help, actual help, not questions by therapists to make me work out what I already know. I’m an indoor plant sitting on a ledge where I’ve been left all alone with nothing. All the people who I thought would be there, have left me to wilt, and frankly, no one wants a half-dead house plant.