Saturday 2/19/22

5:26am I’m up and in my wheelchair. Once again I was awake all night. Anxiety was very high. This makes the second night in a row with no sleep. I feel a week old road kill. I’m  not tired though because I’m still wired. I probably will crash hard sometime today.

The aids didn’t put me to bed until after midnight. It wasn’t their fault.i wanted to stay up and read. I managed to read a very interesting chapter. I should have turned off the tablet and gone to bed. But this book was so good I just had to read one more page. I kept thinking about what I read and the books I am going to read. This was probably why I couldn’t sleep.

I had arthritis pain last night. Pain level was a three. It was in both knees. I also had a few incontinence episodes. I received good care and prompt attention when I rang the call light. At least i don’t have to that to complain about. Pain and peeing also kept me up.

I tried to calm myself down but it was a lost cause. I began playing with my tablet. I’m proud of myself because I finally figured out how to change the time. It was simple thing and no big deal but doing this was hard for me. I also downloaded and installed a classic solitaire game. I played a few hands then decided turn off the damned table and get some sleep. But I was awake when the aid came to get me out of bed.

A cup of coffee will go down good now. But it is six and I will have to wait until they serve breakfast at seven. Not being able to fix coffee when I get up in the morning is one of the biggest things I miss. I just took it for granted that I could get coffee and ready by myself. You miss these little things when you go into a nursing home.

Also, I had a good day yesterday. I had physical therapy late in the after noon. I really kicked butts in pt. My coach had me walk down the hallway. I walked a good bit without stopping. Then she took me to the gym. I did all the leg exercises in a short time. I was proud of myself thinking maybe there is a chance I might improve and get out of here. But then again where would I go?

I really don’t mind being in this place. I have a good thing going. Rent is high but I get a lot of benefits. I don’t have to buy groceries or pay any other bills. This leaves me with plenty of money to buy books. I don’t have to worry about cleaning my apartment or anything else all I have to do is focus on getting better. But then where will I go?

9:36am I had a good breakfast of a coffee cake, scrambled eggs and hot cereal. For drinks I had two cups of coffee and oj. My coach from physical therapy came for a visit while I was drinking my coffee. She said she wanted to check in with me. I told her about not sleeping for two days. She said she will be back after breakfast.

Sure enough she came back for my brain session. She took me to the gym. The first thing I did was walk. The gym is a good sized room. She wanted me to walk to the door. I had a hard time getting started.  My mind was willing but my legs,  especially my left leg, would not cooperate. It hurt like heck when I tried to stand. But I almost reached my goal. I had just a few more steps to the door and could not go anymore. I was short of breath and my knees felt like they were to give out.

I also had problems doing leg exercises. Again my left leg didn’t want to cooperate. I was doing the side to side and knees cracked causing a lot of pain. But I did one set of twenty on my left leg. I really wanted to do more but was hurting so bad.

I was talking to Darla, my PT coach. I was telling her how I lost everything when I came to the nursing home. I also said I reaali want to walk again but yam afraid they will kick me out when I get better. I have no place else to go and will be homeless. She said that is not going to happen. She sent on to say I can garante I’m not going anywhere. I said good bi like it here.

Darla is trying to push knee surgery. She brought it up again today. She said I’m not too old. She has worked with people in their 80s who have hd it done. I didn’t say anything about this. I do not want knee surgery.

Well that was my morning. At least I made an effort with pt. Darla said someday will be better than others. I wasn’t satisfied with my work but she seemed pleased. At least I made an effort.

I talked with Chocolatechip when I came back. She is in good spirits. I talked to her about buying books next month I said this was one thing that keeps me up at night. It is like I get a high from buying shit online. She said I should buy a tablet so I would have s back I’m torn between a tablet or books and this is another reason why I can’t sleep

Well. that’s how my day went. I’m not sleepy or tired despite no sleep for two a. I’m going to read until lunchtime.

1:15pm I just had chicken and dumplings, carrots and a dinner roll for lunch.. Then I had two chocolate chip cookies for desert. For drinks two cups of coffee and two fruit punches. Lunch was good band I ate it all.

I never did start to read. I was too tired to concentrate. I tried to stay awake but was so very tired. I didn’t sleep but I think I crashed a little bit. Now that I’m fortified with coffee I’m back on a high. This is a good thing because I won’t want to sleep at bedtime if I sleep now.?

I wish they would put me to bed. If  they did I would just lie in bed. I really feel wired and tired. This is not a good feeling Sometimes I wonder if I’m not bipolar. These mood swings sure as heck are classic symptoms.

I was talking to Chocolatechip before lunch. I was telling her that my anxiety was high because of worrying. One of the things I worried about was getting my rent paid. I told her what a hassle it was the last time. Then I was worried about buying more books or a tablet. I am obsessed with these damned ebooks. Chocolatechip says this is an obsession I can’t afford. She is right

I didn’t talk to her too much. I was on the downside. I wasn’t making too much sense. Chocolatechip said I should get some rest I tried to sleep until lunch but was too wired.

4:24pm I crashed this afternoon. I got some I thi much needed sleep I think I slept for a couple hours. I feel better  I’m not exactly back to my old self but close enough. At least I’m not cycling between highs and lows. I feel calm. I’m not worried about anything. I’m just sitting in my wheelchair feeling very rested and ready a bit hungry.I’m looking forward to supper. I’m having a cheeseburger,salad, French fries and sliced peaches . I hope to be able to have two cups of coffee and fruit juice

I called Chocolatechip after I woke  up. No answer. I hope to talk to her soon. I’m not worried about her. She is back to her old self after a serious bout with depression. She seemed cheerful and energetic on the phone. She probably stepped outside to take advantage of the sun

I didn’t do any reading today. I just could not concentrate for being so tired. I’ll pick up my book after supper . I will try to read two chapters tonight. I did look at books to buy. To me browsing for books is just as much fun as reading them. Buying  books is twice the fun. Actually reading them is a thrill. I’m definitely addicted to books