Confused

So i blocked my abusive ex for the 100th time today

I feel so stupid writing this because i understand how crazy it sounds

I don’t even understand how i feel anymore and i know i dont even like this person which makes it more insane

i feel like i went back to him because i didnt want to deal with the trauma by myself

i couldn’t comprehend what had happened to me, so in some fucked up way it felt more comforting being with the person that did it to me

but at the same time,  i knew that i couldn’t get closure from this person. I knew he never loved me, and what i experienced was a sociopath/psychopath that had lovebombed, abused and gaslighted me. Yet i only feel alive sometimes when im around him?

I’m doing my best. and at this point, the sadder i feel the closer i feel i am to actually moving on and acknowledging i need accept that someone could have done those cruel things to me and not cared. I’ve held on to this because i’ve always struggled with concepts i dont understand, but the more i understand, the more i need to process and truly experince.

This probably sounds bizarre and cryptic but this is where my head is at.

Kate xx