Thursday 2/10/22

7:54am I went over my book purchases last night. According to my records,  I bough twenty-four books this month. Total I spent on books was over $400. Oh shit I really screwed up this time. I don’t know what gets into me at times. I like to think I’m a responsible adult. I make sure my rent to the nursing home is paid. But every once in a while I lose it. I guess this was one of those months.

Then again I think there must be something wrong with me. For me there is something about buying shit online that gives me a high. I feel so good, especially when I’m buying books. I can buy as many as I can afford and they will be available to read in minutes. The problem is I can go broke without leaving home. My problem, I think, is inability to prioritize.

I was up late last night trying to figure it all out. I didn’t get to bed until 11:30. I didn’t care because I was wound up. I was also enjoying my book Vineyard of Liberty. I didn’t get to finish that chapter though. I got too worked up over my spending habits to concentrate. I can finish this book today.

I had a good night with no pain. I slept well. The aids let me sleep in until six.i had a nice aid. She helped me get out of bed and into my wheelchair. But I wasn’t fuly awake. I slept in my chair until breakfast. I had French toast, hot cereal and two cups of hot coffee. I’m ready to face the day now. Life is good.

I talked with Chocolatechip after breakfast. I was telling her about my books and how much money I spent on them. She asked if I had enough to cover the cost. I said yes. Then she admonished me for buying too many books. She said I should invest in a back up tablet. If anything happens to this one I would be in pretty bad shape. I said my tablet is working fine. She said for now it is but you never know when something could go wrong. I said I will definitely buy a tablet next month.

We also talked about a member of the Bitch Clique. Chocolatechip was down in the lobby. Carol approached her and gave her a hug. I said I don’t understand this. They do not want you in their little group but they can’t leave you alone. We both agreed this person’s action were lame. Chocolatechip was saying I don’t think they can stand me rejecting them. I don’t know. She said this person wad talking to Wayne about all the drama. I just tuned her out said Chocolatechip. I said good.

Well, like I said I’m ready to face the day. I feel good this morning. I’m not experiencing pain. This is what puts me in a good mood. I had a good night and a good breakfast with hot coffee. I talked with Chocolatechip and she had a decent night. I can’t ask for more except for God to save me from my own follies.

2:02pm I spent the morning just sitting in my wheelchair. I got sleepy and dozed on and off until lunch. I had roasted turkey  glazed carrots , more potatoes and cornbread. For desert I had something called pumpkin crunch. All of it was good and I ate it all. For drinks I had a cup of coffee and a fruit punch.

I called Chocolatechip after lunch. No answer but she contacted me on messenger. She seemed very, very depressed. She as much as admitted it. Chocolatechip said that she was very disalusioned about her nineteen years at Overbrook. She talked about all the horrible things that happened to her there. She was saying this for a loywhile lying in her bed with the bedroom door closed. This isn’t like her all.

Chocolatechip was worried that she might have major depression. I said I think it was a combination of a lot of different things. First, there was the cookie day fiasco and the Norman situation around Christmas. Then there is the never ending dispute with the Bitch Clique. Most recently there was the blow up with her sister Kathleen. I also think the season plays a big part. January and February are gloomy times of the yeat for a lot of people, me included. In short I think it is situational.

She also talked about getting on this waver program. She said she cannot wait to be evaluated for long term care. Chocolatechip also said that she cannot see maintaining a household under these conditions is doing her much good. This really got me worried because she always keeps her apartment super clean. I sure hopes nothing bad happens to her.

We chatted for about thirty minutes. I came away with a very uneasy feeling. Chocolatechip suffers from bi polar depression. She had bouts with it over the years and I’ve seen her when she was very down. But I never have seen her in this bad a snap. I’m very worried about her.

I haven’t done any reading yet. I was kind of tired this morning and had trouble concentrating. But I will get to my book Vineyard of Liberty.  I’m up to the time of the Buchanan administration.  I think the book ends with the beginning of the Civil War. I’m anxious to read this part because the Civil War is another favorite period in American history.I

5:56pm I got so down myself this afternoon. I was worried about Chocolatechip. I kept thinking something bad is going to happen. I was afraid to call her for fear of finding out the worse possible outcome. I just sat in my wheelchair brooding. Then I had a couple incontinence episodes. I had to wait all afternoon to get changed. Sitting in urine is not conducive to a good mood. Then when he did help me I got scolded for not using the urinal. That didn’t make me feel good either.

I just had a lousy supper of corn chowder, egg salad sandwich and pasta. I ate everything but the sandwich for fear of it giving me diahreà. The coffee wasg warm. I had two cups. Also had two glasses of fruit punch and oranges sherbert. The sherbert was the best part of the meal.

For some reason I didn’t read today. I just couldn’t get into my book. Sometimes I will enjoy a book so much I hate to finish it.  I want to finish it but I hate to be done with it. I’m torn between these two desires. I think this is the case with Vineyards of Liberty.

11:08pm I finished the first volume in The American Experiement. Next up is volume 2 The Workshop of Democracy. Both books are by James MacGregor Burns. I started reading after supper and read all night. I’m proud of myself because I completed my reading goal for the day.

It is past eleven now. I’ve been in this chair since around six. That is seventeen hours. I’m not too tired though. I am wound up a bit, excited about starting a new book. I’m faced with a a choice of continuing reading or pressing the call light and asking to be put to bed. I don’t think I can sleep because I feel stimulated from reading. The aid will soon come anyways and put me to bed. I might as well  wait for her.

I feel pretty good right now. I’m not depressed. Pain level is a one. I’m not too tired. Part of me wishes I could stay up all night and read. These books on American history are that good. I could sit in my chair all day and read them. I can’t help myself. I love books and I love reading. I live to read. Reading cheered me up after a depressing afternoon I and lousy supper.

I thought about all those books I bought this month. I am not sorry I spent my SS check on books. They will give me something to look forward to and keep me going. I’m excited about the prospect of reading them. Besides that I have nothing else to spend my money on. What really is the harm? It’s not like I have to choose between books and food. The nursing home provides me with three squares So long as I pay my rent to the nursing home ot trying to bum off people it is nobody’s business. I’m happy with it and that is what matters. Life is good. It is even better with books.

Well it is almost midnight. I wonder what happened to the aids.