Can’t quit crying.

Crying. Sobbing. More crying. Staring into space. Resume body shaking sobbing. Repeat.

I’m so fucking sad right now. So sad. I’ve debated all day if I need to call my therapist. I see her Thursday. Trying to hold off. I might still be bawling hysterically then. Who knows.

I’m so close to refinancing my house. So close. They gave me a closing time. They told me congratulations. Then they realized douche bag hasn’t signed the deed off.

He has to. My attorney sent him the form. His attorney emailed him. I got desperate and texted and called. NOTHING.

It’s the last ounce of control he has. So he’ll just keep it. See what he can fuck up in the process. See how crazy he can make me.

And he’s winning in his sick game. I hate him. I hate he was ever born. I hate he’s alive. I hate he’s such an evil, awful person.

He BY LAW has to sign. If he doesn’t there’s issues and he’s in trouble. But that doesn’t mean shit. Yeah, we can go to court. Have him charged with contempt. Blah blah. In the end he signs. But it’s time sensitive. If he doesn’t do it fast enough I lose my entire fucking loan. And start over.

It feels like living the abuse all over again. It’s awful. Miserable. Heart wrenching. I feel like he will do this to me for a lifetime. I’ll never be free of him. There will always be a random curve ball for eternity. It’s triggering, traumatic, pouring salt into open wounds.

I can’t explain how awful it feels.

I just want it to be over. That’s it. At this point I can’t help but think I’d rather be dead than deal with a lifetime of his games. Because this fucking sucks.

And I can’t quit crying. And that sucks.

And I’m literally just at the mercy of him or the courts. That’s it. I have zero control. I have nothing. All I can do is sit. And cry. And wait.