Feeling stupid but trying not to

"Tell me, have you felt like this too?
Tell me, have you drowned in your own fool?
Speak to me, tell me, what you see.
Tell me, is it hard for you to look at me?
Can you see the filth that resides within me? 
Can you choke on the thickness of the fear?
Do you see through the smile and into the tears?
Tell me, please tell me, what is left when there is nothing."
 

I told myself this wasn’t going to happen. I told myself he wasn’t going to get too close and I wasn’t going to be hurt. I told myself he was just for fun. I said we were just going to get to know each other and it was going to be harmless fun and play-making. That’s what I said.

But damn do I feel stupid.

It’s over between us. We texted a few days ago and he just randomly decided that it was too much for him. I’m more experienced and I can’t help that it comes out. I’m sorry that it’s like that for me and I do have to admit that I wasn’t trying to hold back. I wanted to do everything that happened and no one was going to stop me. Plus the thrill of the potential that we might get caught was such an exciting thing for me and even though it was scary because I knew that I was playing with fire by messing with him, I still tried to get burned. It’s almost as if I WANTED to get caught. Like I needed someone to see that he liked me. I dunno…the whole ordeal was one giant, stupid, ridiculous mistake. Especially since I couldn’t help myself when it came to the things we did because myself was stupid and weak. Thank you Michael Lloyd Joseph.

I had a dream about him the other night. Michael I mean. He saw me and Alex. It didn’t really bother him which is alright. I just thought it was weird that he still pops into my dreams. We haven’t talked in ages! It’s been so long…part of me still doesn’t really like that but I feel like I’m split in sections of feelings. There’s a portion that feels like it’s alright, a portion that is still bitter and hates him, a portion that feels numb to it all, a portion that wants to let go, and a portion that already has let go. But I still see his face sometimes. And I still think about him. And I still wonder how he would react to seeing me after everything. Would he be childish and walk away? Would he be awkward and not say much? Would he even pay me any attention at all? 

Right, Alex.

I was doing well until I saw that this girl posted something on Facebook about him. She took this quiz thing and it decided her "love" was Alex. MY Alex. Ugh. It killed me. It had nothing to do with him but he was there in a photo with her. He went with her for her homecoming and that’s what the picture was.

He was so good to me and for once, for once I wanted to meet a guy who wouldn’t be an asshole. I liked that he called me principessa, mia innamorata, and the occasional gato del sesso (that one made me smile). He was like a mini savior to me. He made me realize that I can still be wanted – even through the things I’ve done – by someone who is kind, good natured, loving, and gentle. He showed me that I was and still can be worth something to someone who is a good person. Why did he have to leave? Kind of makes me feel like a monster because I did scare him away. He wasn’t ready for a girl like me but God I wish he was. And it wasn’t like he wasn’t wanting it, he just had better morals. I wish I did when I was with Michael. Maybe Alex would have stayed with me…

I’m not a whore. So why do I feel like one? Why do I feel so dirty and worthless?

This…this is why I didn’t want to date anyone. It’s not worth it.