Can’t stand the loneliness

There have been better days…I woke up this morning next to two important girls in my life. There was a sleepover last night at Kendall’s and my friend Doll came over. (Not using her real name, but Kendall’s was already thrown out in my previous entry, it was 12:00 I wasn’t thinking).

I woke up in a tender mood. I didn’t want my dad to come get me in the 20 some minutes that I had been awake. It was 11:30 give or take and I had just woken up. I wasn’t in the mood to get out of my pj’s or get out of bed for that matter. Nevertheless, Dad was waiting outside so I really didn’t have another choice.

So I get home and storm to my room childishly while my Dad follows soon after. He sits down next to me on my bed and we start talking. I don’t want to get into our conversation, just how I felt.

Ever since Michael and I broke up I’ve had this problem. Not only had I missed us for the longest time, but I’ve missed him. Just him. Nothing special, but our relationship before we were together meant a lot to me. (This isn’t an entry about him fyi). But today, I’ve just had a small cloud raining over any chance of contentment. I feel sad and dreary today. And maybe it has something to do with the ex-boyfriend and boyfriend talks I stayed up talking to the girls about last night. But maybe it doesn’t.

Have you ever been clinically depressed? I remember earlier this summer I was at youth camp with my church and there was a bangin’ spiritual moment and I vented onto one of our leaders. She knows the whole history between me and Michael so she had a good idea of what I was drowning in. So anyway, when I was talking to her I told her that I had been struggling with these feelings: I was so sad all the time; I was cold inside, like I didn’t know how to be happy; I didn’t want to let anyone close to me or care about anyone so deeply because that left a window open for them to hurt me; I had promised myself that I would do anything and everything in my power to avoid letting anyone get so close to me like he did. It was a plan to prevent myself from pain. And it wasn’t just in a romantic relationship. I had found myself in a little hole where I wanted no one to get into. Absolutely no one was allowed in the hole he left me in. I didn’t spend much time with my friends and I didn’t want to be around my family. I spent my time either going to work or sitting on the computer getting lost in online stories. I feel like maybe I was depressed. My youth leader told me I should talk to my parents and get help from a professional. I haven’t.

Part of me is too afraid to talk to my parents about it. I’ve gotten past the sadness of the break-up, I’m past missing us and wanting him back, I’m ready to be on my own so I’m not in the dark pit he dug for me anymore. It’s just sometimes I get the same feelings. I’m scared to talk about them because my mother is the kind of woman that doesn’t accept a silly little thing like depression. She’s the kind of woman that says "I’m a child of God and there is no such thing as depression. With Christ all things are possible and I will not accept the spirit of depression." And I get it from a certain point. Yes God is there, yes he can fill me like nothing else can, yes I can trust him with all of me…but sometimes, I feel like it’s a natural thing to struggle with. Like it’s okay when it happens.

Don’t get me wrong, my Mom isn’t a Jesus Nazi lady, that was semi-exaggerated. But somewhere along those lines I felt her firm belief that God is the answer when the situation versus things like depression.

Mostly, I just think I need someone to talk to. Maybe I should get a therapist. I don’t know…Have you guys felt any of this after a major point in your lives? I mean, the guy was my first love! He was the first of a whole new me. He taught me things about myself, showed me other things and I learned so much. He opened my eyes to so many things about myself and life, it was a good experience for me. You know, besides the tiny fact that I broke me along the way… But that’s not the only thing that happened that caused me to drop tremendously into a pit. Around the break-up there was some family things that went down. Basically the sh!t hit the fan a few days before New Years of 2009, that’s another story that I don’t wanna share.

Right, well, I’ve been typing this entry on and off for the past 3 hours. I guess I will finish here..I’m off to get ready to see Harry Potter 6 for the third time this week. Yes, it’s only been out for two days. ^_^