Christmas metaphors and slightly broken hearts.

So here’s the thing with Chris.

I adore Chris. i think he’s fantastic for me. I think he’s fantastic for everybody. I think he has a giant heart, and I think that sometimes, that may be a downfall for him.

I wont really go into details, because they’re not mine to give, but basically, He raised his youngest brother because his mom, well.. really didn’t.

and then she moved to california, and was there for a long time.. and he couldn’t do anything about his brother leaving with her, even though she’s just.. not a good person.

and now she’s moving back. And he’s thrilled to see his little brother.

Now here’s the thing with me:

I am legally bound to where i am. for one, i’m tied to the house, for another, i’m tied to this state because of lillys father. It is not an option for me to leave, really..ever, except for vacations.

and these two things seem to be a conflict for him and our future plans. Now that the little brother is back in his life, he doesn’t think he could leave him.. Ever. He’s very much like a foster parent to him. And i get wanting to be there for the brother. I so get it. He’s in a bad situation and he wants to be there for him if he ever needs him. But at the same time, I know this brother has other siblings he could turn to if the situation got bad enough where he needed to be out of there immediately. And chris could go and see him on occasion and he could be there in 7.5 hours if he needed him. I KNOW it’s not the same.. But it’s not a horrible situation.

I envisioned my life with him, and he with I.. and i know he did because he talked about it endlessly. And he never once doubted it, it was never a problem. His brother was out of the picture and there was nothing he could do.. but now he’s back and he’s rethinking everything because he doesn’t want to leave his brother. and i get it. I do. It’s hard to leave family.. But ultimately it seems like it comes down to
1. stay with his family and not have a family.
2. stay with his family and have a family that’s not with me
or 3. come with me, start a family with me, and see his family when he can.

and it’s hard to watch him struggle with it. It’s not something i can figure out for him. I know what i would do, but it’s not my situation. It’s even harder to watch because i realize that his brother could leave again, and it could be too late for him to change his mind on the matter.

I adore him, but who could wait forever? And how could i try to make it work when he doesn’t want to leave the state, and i can’t? It can’t work, not ultimately. How do i wait for him to change his mind? How could I put my life on hold until he decides he’s ready for me Then.. and that could be years from now.

and it hurts. It hurts to see him give up the things we had planned together at the drop of a hat. But i understand it. I respect it. Family is something not to be fucked with.

but what about our family? Oh that’s right. it was all in my head.
le sigh.

I guess we’ll have to see what comes of this.. and i know either way, I made a fantastic friend out of all of this. Maybe he’ll see that he Could have both. It’s not as if i’m being all "it’s either me, or your family" .. i’m trying to make him see that he can have a family with me and still see his parents family.. But i’ve already pointed that out to him.. and he still is unsure. There’s nothing more i can do. He has to make is own decision, and I think it’s something I have to not be a part of.

we’re together for now, but we’re not moving forward. We’re not on a break, but our relationship was basically put on hold until he can figure out what exactly he’s wanting from all of this. I love him more than anything, but There’s nothing i can do. My life doesn’t have a pause button while he’s trying to figure out what he wants, either.

The only thing i can think to compare it to is this.

Imagine Christmas morning when you were a child. Your parents hand you a present, and you’re allowed to open it a day early. You open it up, and it’s the best thing you’ve ever laid your eyes on. It’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a present. It even has all of these awesome features you didn’t even know a present COULD have.
and your parents take it out of your hands, and hold it in front of you.
and as you’re looking at it, and looking at all of its lovely present glory they say:
"You can’t have it. Yet. Maybe sometime, but I don’t know yet. We’ll see."
And you look at them, and tears start to fill your eyes and you say
"what do you mean you don’t know? When will you know?"
"I don’t know. But we’ll see."
"but when will you see?"
"I guess after i make up my mind, but don’t worry, eventually, I’ll know.. It could take a really long time though.. but once i do decide we’ll go from there.. But if i decide you can’t have it, I have this other thing you already own that you could have. "
And even though you’re almost crying because you might not get the best thing you’ve ever laid your eyes on, you’re mainly okay because you Might get it, but if you don’t, you still have your other thing.. and that other things pretty damn good too.