More randoms

I just went for a walk around my work. It’s snowing pretty hard here, but not biting cold. I tried to listen and clear my mind to “be in the moment”, I’m just not ready.

Why am I still grieving the end of my marriage and loss of my wife after 3 years? The things she has done and said. Her actions since. I still give her the benefit of the doubt and she is literally another man’s wife. Why did I have to be the one to lose everything? Why does everyone else get to stay in the life I made? Why won’t anyone just come and talk to me?

I don’t want to go home to the apartment today, but I have no money or gas to go anywhere else. I feel the triggers of my depression starting and I’m trying to change them. I’m not excited that I have a 2 day weekend when I should be. I don’t want another anxiety attack.

Listening to Dr. Phil’s podcast on Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve been told I have it and I wish “my people” would listen and understand it instead of just shutting me out of their lives. If that’s what cost me my love and family, what am to think? Why haven’t I ever been giving a 2nd chance with people? Why won’t people just talk to me?

Should I get a therapist online? Mine moved to another area, not far, but not near. Should I get a life coach? Should I get a hooker? I’m tired of being scared of life without people. Actual human contact, not a zoom thing, not a virtual bar crawl or group.

This is going to be a horrible weekend.