It Takes a Village

That’s a dumb phrase. Because back in the day people were in villages and had help raising babies. I am unsure if I’m weak minded or exhausted. Sleep deprived. Hating where I live…

 

Maybe just parenting two kids under three in a pandemic that has gone on since March 2020.

 

Maybe that one.

 

All I know is my mom would rather teach other people’s kids as a substitute than help me on days I didn’t have childcare. I finally found some, but it’s super cool she would prefer to do certain things like teach, get her hair done and get her nails done than help me out. I have no idea why we moved back. I would go back to Idaho right now because I see what matters. We had people who helped us. We had friends. I do not have friends here. And also everyone is in their own situation so I don’t expect people to care about me.

My sister has her own family. She never checks up on me.

 

I don’t need these people, but raising kids doesn’t take a village. And maybe it does if you want to keep good mental health. And maybe it does so that you don’t scream so loud into a pillow that your vocal cords feel frayed.

And maybe those people with help don’t parent for over 48 hours without any breaks from 4am until 9-10PM and do it through the night, so literally there’s not real time for yourself.

 

So maybe that’s why it is said that it takes a village. I don’t know.

What I do know if I’ll never make a decision based of what I think I am supposed to do for family. I should’ve been selfish for our little bubble. Idaho was dumb with politics but that’s about it. The pandemic certainly sent our life in a different trajectory as we tried to figure out if we should be closer to family.

 

No is the answer. My dad isn’t my dad. My mom is surviving by subbing and literally has been teaching for 50 years because she has nothing better to do.  So. Yeah.

 

We will be moving. We don’t know where but we don’t just stick around somewhere because we have to. Our kids are still young. We don’t just fester in shitty places.

 

Bend is shitty whether you want to believe it or not. Oregon is shitty whether you want to believe that or not. It’s not what it once was and it’s not super safe.

 

Mentally, my mind is mostly quiet. I’m not depressed. I don’t cry much at all.

 

But the anger is resentment is there. I’m not even sure who or what I resent. I don’t resent Dustin. Things are better with him since he’s always a constant stable being in my orbit.

I don’t know. But I do know some big stuff has to occur soon to fix what we broke. We messed up for sure.

 

That’s what I know about that.