I’ve tried that, that, that, and that, so why not this..

I’ve said it before, I was raised cuddled and doted on, but my parent’s were old school. They had me in their late 30’s and both grew up in the 30’s and 40’s. My Father’s parents were both born in the 1800’s and were way into their late 40’s when be came around and you definitely could tell that Dad was raised as the only boy in a family of girls by strict parents. Anyway, the point is I wasn’t raised on the hoodoo voodoo new agey hippy thinking of the 60’s and 70’s. So, in my quest to fix me, there has always been the resistance in the back of my brain. Men suck down their feelings and soldier on. Words like depression, just didn’t fly. ” You’re not depressed, go out and get a hobby” my Mom would say. Obviously, that is kind of the “healing” method’s a therapist will tell you to do, but she never addressed all the other things that depression brought, well in a clinical way that is.

” What do mean you think you’re ugly. You’re very handsome, quit mopping around”

” Get out bed and get some fresh air, that will wake you up. Quit mopping around”

” Why are crying, you’re to young to dwell on that.”

“You like baseball, why did you quit”

” Stop being so angry and nervous, get a hobby, do something”

So yeah, typical Momisms most people 50 and over probably heard all the time. But I remember hating my looks, just losing interest in stuff and quitting, taking a slight from my friends to heart and leaving them without even saying goodbye, but in a moment be right back for more because I couldn’t be alone. Probably all the same things kids go through today without the safety off the non-internet world of today. It was a different easier time for kids whether or not they were depressed.

For anyone new reading this, i’ve lived with depression in one form or another seems like all my life. I understand I am depressed and realize I, because of it, have ruined relationships, given up on opportunities,  and flat out quit things, but my 2nd divorce just broke the thin ice I have been skating on for years.

Back story and build up over, so….

I recently have become aware of something called Radical Acceptance.

Radical acceptance is when you stop fighting reality, stop responding with impulsive or destructive behaviors when things aren’t going the way you want them to, and let go of bitterness that may be keeping you trapped in a cycle of suffering.

I was going down the YouTube rabbit hole and came upon a video. I watched most of it, but after the 4th commercial cut away in 4 minutes, I gave up and went back to fail videos. It stuck on me though, enough that I spent the next day at work, sssh don’t tell anyone, doing some web research. I bought a book that is supposedly one of the best non clinical ones, meaning it’s wrote for dummies and not PHD psychologists.  Also, an audio book on the subject, but so far it hasn’t really gone into the “how to” and mixes a lot of Buddhism teachings, which, ok, is kind of the same thing i’m told, but I really don’t want to be a Buddhist. Told you that Lutheran upbringing is deep in my bones..

I know what my problems are, I just don’t know how to deal with them and most advice i’ve been giving, which is great, hasn’t quite worked for me. Everyone one says I need to know myself and love myself, I believe I do, at least enough to understand why, what, and how I got to this point. I just don’t want to give up the things that cause so much pain, yet brings so much comfort to me. Like a meth addict, I know it’s killing me, I see what it’s doing to me, I know what it’s cost me, but that feeling when I do it is just so great and I want it so bad that I could care less about what it’s doing to me. I don’t like now. I don’t care to be alone and on my own. I don’t like thinking of myself, it makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I do everything most divorced Father’s do, pay support, call or text, send gifts, and take them every time I get the chance. They have all told me they aren’t sad or mad with me, that the are ok with how things are now, yet I can’t bring myself to believe it. It took me years to reach a point where I finally could understand that I couldn’t have done anything about Kayla’s accident even if I was still with my 1st wife and saw her everyday, because it was her decision to drive that car, without a license or the least bit of knowledge how to. It was her decision to go on the 101 in California with all that traffic. We had, the ex and me, both raised her on the rights and wrongs. The both of us grounded her, punished her, taught her and loved her, but this young person, who was as much as an individual like you and me, made a choice even with knowing right and wrong. I suffered with the guilt while she laid in a coma, when she came to only to be permanently damaged and had to learn everything again. I suffered when she came to live with me for a year, seeing the struggles and anger from her as she pushed too hard to be “normal”. All the hard days, all the good days, the fights she had with Patty and how Patty began to feel, all my fault. The ex in-law’s constant guilt of me about how I need to do this or that and how I wasn’t doing it “their” way. As she grew into a young woman and once again her actions and her eventual death. That day was the first time I had talked to her after being angry with her for 3 months, because of something she had done.

All I can think about is the time I lost instead of the good times we had for her short 22 years. Time lost due to the divorce, having to work almost 16 hour days to survive and child support, and the time lost just because I was just too burnt out from it all.

All this is known by Patty and my sister Wendy. It’s used as a weapon and used as insult, when it comes to the boys and how I have to live my life that I had to totally start over from nothing. I have to work on the holiday? You just don’t care about the boys. I literally have no money and enough gas to get back and forth to work until pay day. You don’t love your kids, you should want to be with them anytime you can. I’m not told of concerts, teacher’s conferences, or my autistic young one’s special ed meetings.  You don’t even show up. 

So GOD, please let this, Radical Acceptance, thing work for me because i’m at that point i’ve been at so many times in my life where I want to quit.