Happy???

I think I have forgotten how to be happy. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. Maybe that’s a bit drastic, my kids, for that brief day or two, brings me some if I can keep the thoughts away. Everything else. I don’t get excitement happy, taste happy, sad happy, happy happy, weather happy, bedtime happy or morning happy. The first cup of coffee happy, warm bath happy of finding money in my coat happy.

I see things that should turn the darkest hearts soft and all I do is acquaint it to my loss and sadness. The young couple shopping together, the old couple at the drug store and the mother or father with their toddler, it just reminds me of what I lost and/or will never have. How it was essentially ripped out of my arms and handed to another, who did nothing to deserve my happiness.

This has left me where I can’t enjoy music I like (Chicago, Jeffery Osborne, Barry Manilow are all now dead to me) or movies and TV (anything involving the slightest of love, family, or loss). 3 years have come and went and I’m still broken to the point that people holding hands, seeing “parties”, and any sort of sad thing makes me lose it. The other day, I was driving home from work and I saw a small stuffed animal in the road. It had been driven over so much that it was ripped and stuffing was hanging out. My mind went immediately to where I saw a small child, lost without their teddy bear, that someone, whether in anger or spite, threw it out the window of a car. All the child could do is watch the distance increase between and cry out for their happiness to the unfeeling people in the car.

I miss being numb to most feelings and “happenings”. It’s my own fault. I bottled up and boxed all the “bad” in the back dark place in my mind for years. Being told by the girl I had the biggest crush on reaction to me telling her that went horribly sideways. My first divorce. Deaths of my favorite Uncle, well my only Uncle, my beautiful cousin who finally found happiness only for it to waste away with cancer that could have been caught except for the “shitty” doctor, my Nanee’s death, the only Grand Parent I knew. I couple deaths of friends. My ex moving away with my daughter. My daughter’s life changing accident that left all her friends dead and her in a coma. My father’s passing and being forced to rehome my Akita. My 2nd wife’s first affair and the death of my daughter. The horrible treatment I received at her memorial from ex in laws, my mother’s decent into dementia and the horrible things she said and did and her eventual passing. All of this I pushed down inside of me, never once bawling my eye’s out. Never dealing with it. Then the day came, exactly 3 years ago this week where she broke me. Every wall built crumbled, every box sealed ripped open, and every bottle smashed. I have become incapable of compartmentalizing any emotion, loss, or happiness. I have tried everything a man can do to fix me and I have reached the point where I don’t think I can do anymore alone. I want someone in my life romanticly. I want friends again to hang out with. Unfortunately, it really seems as though, try as I have, it not going to happen anytime soon or at all…

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the King’s horses
And all the King’s men,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.