Jealous!

While scrolling through Facebook Feeds all I see are Grade 1 first day pics…friends’ children starting school….starting a new journey and beginning a new chapter in their lives.

I want to be happy for them…I really do…and I am happy for them…I mean how can I not be when you look at kids with huge smiles in their crisp white new school uniforms and carrying bags that are bigger than them…how can you not be happy? How can you not laugh? But then…I feel an ache inside…

When will I get the chance too…the chance to be a paranoid mother wondering where the years have gone by, as I watch my not so little baby anymore embark on a new journey?

Is it wrong that the ‘Ugly Green Monster’ in me is popping out and just wishing that I was a mother now?

This morning while chatting to my husband on WhatsApp he asked me; “What do I really want?” And this is what I wrote back

* I want to Be Jewish and I want to be more devoted into G-d and his words
* I want to be thin
* I want us to be everything that we want (You, have our name on a building, and me have 3 kids calling me mommy)
* I want us to have our house (In Cape Town)
* I want us to have our cars
* I want us to live in a way that we don’t have to worry for money
* I want us to have close friends that add to our lives

Well next week Tuesday my ‘Jews by Choice’ course starts. I am freaking out about not being fully prepared for it but I know I got this and soon when I fill in a form and have to tick a box on my ‘Religion’ …I will do it with a smile and tick of ‘Jewish’. Soon I can officially create my Jewish Home.

Well…I jumped on the scale yesterday and I have lost just under 2kg since I went back to work 12 days ago. All I need to do now is push harder and keep going.

About the kids…well I got to loose more weight…but I do feel that my body is slowly rectifying itself and I am feeling like a True Women. And I think my husband feels like he needs to loose weight too so he can feel better about himself. I think we are both in a position where neither of us are feeling very sexual.

Well the house is still a dream…but maybe one day soon it can happen!

Same with the cars. My car is really packing out and I have been speaking to someone about getting a new car. So who knows hopefully some day soon that will happen, I am thinking about test driving a few cars right now…

I am going to end this post with me saying that I need to make more of an effort everyday do be healthier, more social, more devoted to G-d…I need to be the best version of myself and not just settle to be okay.