The long way to the light
I think I’ve become my own worst enemy. The anchor to my own salvation. I know I am not the only one who is going through this or the last, but I am going through it.
I have been sitting in my chair for the last 2 hours watch psych2go and improvement videos on YouTube, just hoping something will “click”. Somehow the help they are giving doesn’t seem to register to me. I don’t know. I just can’t make peace with myself after everything I have lost these 3 years.
I struggle with the fact that once again someone took everything I built, earned, and busted my ass to have. Why is it that I did everything right right only to have to lose it all and made to do it all over?
I’m tired of writing these entries, but I don’t have anyone to talk to. I’m sorry, but to me therapists, priests, and psychologists haven’t really helped. Having my problems turned back onto me to figure out myself, giving my self over to God, and downing a drug cocktail every morning hasn’t fixed me.
You see, I understand the pure bull shit I just wrote. I also understand that if I sit here all “pig headed” about it, things will never change. I have fought this for 3 years on my own constantly reading and hearing other’s stories about the same thing, but in their’s there is always the support. “My family did this”, “my friends did that”, people came over and dragged me back into life. This one introduced me to someone or that one just sat and listened without criticism. I know that you guys read these and give advice and I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart, but I just can’t stand being physically alone anymore and this Covid fucked up world is not helping. I was really improving in February 2020, then I was forced back into my hole that I can’t seem to crawl out of. I see the light, but I just can’t get a foot hold to climb up.
COVID is definitely a factor in this. My wife complains daily about being lonely and unable to go out (she’s very afraid of catching it). Her anxiety and depression are through the roof. She used to work from home as a transcriptionist, but when they went to electronic records, she was put out of business. If we could find something to do from home, I think she’d be much happier with her mind off her situation. I’ve always been somewhat of a lone wolf so it doesn’t bother me. I’ve watched, read, and listened to more stuff than I ever have. It sounds like you’re taking some positive steps to work on this. When I was down for the count once with depression, the drugs helped me get out of bed, so hang in there.
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Keep writing…those who want to read will. My struggle is wishing I had something to say that would help you but I have nothing. It just seems so very unfair that this other man is in your house with your wife and your kids and your car and other things instead of you. If I were you I know I would also be having a hard time moving forward. Keep writing…I’m reading.
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I’ve wondered…how do we make new friends as adults? It’s hard, for sure. Most of my good friends are from grade school and high school. My best friend is from grade school. I have a big family, so I have my sister in laws too. I know I went through a phase though where I wanted new friends, people without little kids that wanted to go out more. I struggled to find any…I have made a couple friends at work? Most of the people I go out with are old high school buddies that I’ve remained close with. One is a fellow bunny mom, but she is kooky, so I don’t see her often (LOL). Sometimes people make friends sitting on a bar stool?
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