Denial or minimization

The book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker, so far, seems to be a godsend. I get anxious when I think of how long it will take me to truly make use of it, but I’ve been trying to find something that felt like I was on a solid path for years. It seemed like instead of treating anything, I would just be given new diagnoses. Again, it’s been helpful to have a shared vocabulary with my therapists, but I always felt like I was talking about it instead of doing anything about it. And just identifying more and more things that I would eventually need to treat, which felt overwhelming. That’s not to say my therapists weren’t trying. Laura is f-ing amazing. I remember she eventually tried EMDR with me, but because I hadn’t broken down any of my walls I wasn’t actually able to connect with the trauma, just.. talk about it with headphones on and paddles in my hand. If I’m giving myself credit, little me did an EXCELLENT job of protecting me from having to experience any of that ever again. But what I discovered when trying to make contact with her is that she doesn’t trust ANYONE enough to let them see that. Not even me. Repeatedly being asked “what’s the expression on her face” or “what do you think she’s feeling”, and just nothing.

But finally seeing it connected is really helpful for me. When in the book he said “Many therapists see CPTSD as an attachment disorder”, I literally laughed out loud. I’m a smart person, I definitely know it’s all related, but I find a lot of comfort in seeing how it’s all related. That’s always eluded me. It’s also comforting to actually hear it spelled out – this happening may have made you think this, feel this, or make this decision. Since trying to recall specific instances from my past usually finds me stopped outside the barricades, it’s almost like having someone on the other side of the barricade passing me a cheat sheet. And because while I was experiencing it I didn’t always know it was abnormal, I have consistently minimized it for myself. Just as he mentions, I would say things to myself like “Well, you watched your sisters get beaten and you don’t want that so you just do what you have to do to stay out of trouble!” And then because I mostly avoided the beating, I convinced myself that it wasn’t that bad for me. Ignoring the fact that I constantly lived in the fear of their moods and, to stay out of trouble, made myself completely invisible.

I’m feeling really hopeful.