My eldest child.

I have always kept my children close, its hard for me to trust people because Ive seen how adults can treat children when their parents arent around. The only friends my children had were friends from school and friends who are family members. Before COVID, I wish I would have took my children to visit family and their friends more. Since I didnt, its now biting me in the you know where….

My oldest son is struggling with his mental health, and as much as me and his dad try to be there for him, to support him, love him and guide him? It doesnt seem like its enough. All of the beginning of the school year 2020, there was no school, in 2021 school started the last couple months of the school year, but with shorter days. So my 2 oldest would go to school from 745 until 1 oclock. They didnt mind that. But now that its a new school year, and a new school (my oldest went from elementary to middle) for my 10 year old, he has come across so many obstacles… His biggest hurdle was BULLYING. He was getting picked on because He likes his hair long, its shoulder length, so kids would call him EMO. He had told us it started after the first month of school, but we didnt find out until mid november… So knowing that this went on in school for my child hurt me so much… He was even punched in his back which makes me sooooooo angry to think about. Me and his dad, as soon as we found out we had a meeting with the school immediately, put a plan in place to hopefully stop the bullying. We thought it was helping. The bullying did stop, from what my son tells us. But he would still get physcially sick thinking about going to school or being in an area where there will be alot of kids, such as recess and lunch/breakfast. Headaches were also another thing he would feel from worrying or thinking too much. To the point where in the beginning of December I reached out to his doctor so that we could talk to him, then I also have him going to a therapist now too which finally started yesterday! It is not easy getting an appointment with a doctor for mental health for children, not in my area anyways…. But we are finally in there, and he feels comfortable with her.

The reason why I felt I needed to journal about it is because my son called me at lunch today, he sits in a room alone, wont go to lunch, just calls me and stays on the phone with me, he does this almost every day. But today was different… He wanted to be picked up early… I had to explain to him that Ive already missed sooo much work in the last couple months to help him and if there was no real reason other than not wanting to be there, then he would have to stay. He has to be a big boy and get thru the school day just like every other day and like every other kid in the country. I know he didnt like that answer but I had to say it. We all had to do it, is what i think to myself. After our phone call I called his father to let him know what was going on. He wasnt very happy and instantly said he wanted to switch him to a new school.. I did not like that idea. But the reasons I dont like that idea is because its inconvenient for me… Which afterwards now that I think about it, its selfish. If he were to switch schools, it would be a longer drive for me for when I have to go to the school, and basically it felt like I would be giving up control of what goes on with my son to his dad. But now? I realize its for the best. I HOPE. When he heard he would be going to a different school, he was sooo happy! You could no longer hear any sadness in his voice.. He sounded excited and was telling me about how they do drum and dance at the school and he wants to learn how to drum because they dont teach that at his current school… SO, at the time it felt like I was giving up control over where he goes to school but now, I know its working with him and his dad, trying to figure out a path that’s best FOR HIM, so that he can succeed and be happy…. 

Before I started typing this journal, I didnt vent to anyone… But where the words start to be bold and italicized, is after I vented to someone out loud…. I feel better about my choosing to let him try another school… I have faith in my Babyboy and faith in his dad. I know that as long as we hang in here together as a team we can make it thru anything. Just pray my baby knows and feels the same after this is all said and done. <3 thank you for reading.