busy finding my way

My mind is crazy. Its like I need chaos to be able to function….

Christmas was over, WHEW, I could breathe again… Back at work I am, and 4 said the clock so it was time to go. On the ride home, i could feel my heart beating fast paced, my name was anxiety, with nothing left to do but go pick up my kids and head home. In my head though I still felt like I had to worry about something, had to do something! Like I was excited for something or like I’m missing something and cant wait to find it… Yet, I had no plans, didn’t forget anything… And it hits me! I am always constantly worrying about something, needing to do something… and In those moments after work, I didn’t need to do either….. ? So I felt… Excited with anticipation? I don’t understand fully… But I do get that my mind is always working and thinking… I can never “just be”… So this year, I’m going to try to do that. But I’ve come across this journaling site so I will probably come and get my questions, thoughts and frustrations off here… Or just write aimlessly with no point or moral to the story….. I am a native American mother of 4 living on the reservation, working for the government just trying to learn, heal and move forward. My oldest child will be a teen in 3 years and my youngest is just a little older than 24 months. I struggle with my mental health, things to do with my job, and trying to be the best parent that I can be. Although I say I struggle with that last thing, I am very good at it, at least I like to think that I am….

I feel very fortunate to have pulled myself up to where I am today… Growing up you wouldn’t have thought I would stay on the good straightened arrow…or whatever the correct terminology it is. I grew up nice at first, but as soon as my mother found her way down the path of drugs, things took a turn… I was with friends and family members more than my mother… And a lot of those friends and family members weren’t the best influences… Some smoked, some drank, some talked back to their parents or liked to physically fight other people… I eventually succumbed to smoking and drinking in my teen years… I watched friends do drugs, and because of what I seen drugs do to my mom and my family I knew I would never touch them. As I got older I had my first child at the age of 18… then had another, then got pregnant with another and kicked out the father a month before our 3rd baby was born. Then I was on my own until I met my last baby’s dad. In between leaving my first children’s father and meeting my 2nd BD I was foolish, I was lost, I fell off track, drank when my kids went with their dad, missed a lot of work, and just kept fking off… And then I met the big dawg… and thought I fell in love… I came to love that man very much but I don’t think I was ever really IN LOVE with him.. That lasted a good couple years but only because he was in prison/jail most of the time. That alone lets you know I didn’t learn SHHHHTT. But after him… after having our baby…. I struggled a lot, hell I still do all the time but I believe I’ve started finding myself. I know my worth, I know I wont settle for less than what I know I deserve again… And here I am, i am finally starting to feel like a grown up… AT THE AGE OF 29!!!!! I still don’t have it all together either, my house is currently a mess because I chose to hang out with my two youngest last night instead of cleaning. I am getting better with my attendance at my job. I’ve gotten my anxiety filled 10 year old help with doctors so that Life isn’t as hard for him as he thinks it can be…. I just cannot believe sometimes still, that I am still here. standing strong. didn’t lose any of the things i cherish most, didn’t fall into drugs, I’m not an alcoholic, or do I even drink at all anymore… Yet its all been surrounding me since I was a child…. I have myself and my children to thank for that. I thank me for my willpower, I think the universe for giving me that will power and determination. And I thank my children for helping me to be strong, for being my rocks, for being my sunshine and my light. I must thank the higher power and my spirit guides too for sticking with me and pushing me to get thru all the trials and tribulations I’ve endured in my short yet long life. I am very appreciative, grateful and happy. Thanks for reading.