From Holiday

Love. It was a fatiguing day. I spoke honestly and openly with my brother today. He is a nicer person than I am. I find it generally easier to speak to him; he seems to understand which questions are important to me better than many people. It is still a lot of effort to vocalize words. Words come in nets for me, not threads, and just because my net is full has not provided me a way to ensure I fill another net with the same catch. Nevertheless, I believe I should still practice. The removed time pressure of writing said words may be personally relieving, but I believe there are certain truths best expressed with words in specific times and spaces.

My parents gave me a German Bible for Christmas. I have been learning German for a couple of months. I am looking forward to understanding enough to be able to read it. I have enjoyed learning a new language and experiencing an alternate idea segmentation. It is where I learned the word nur.

I have been told by many people that this is an odd time for me to learn a new language. (They almost all use the word “odd”.) I do not generally disagree. I do not have any pressing reason to learn a new language, and I have wondered on the advisability of learning a new language on top of one that I feel is still shifting beneath me.

It bothers me that despite best intentions, I still manage to hurt feelings. I have taken it on faith that if I continue to practice social behaviors and try, then I will improve. I repeat this to myself because I am not convinced. It is easy for me to see my defect now. It is painful to search for limits. I do not mind my own pain (nusuth, it does not matter), but I would prefer to not inflict it on others. Amen.