Gone too soon

It’s been a rough day. Honestly, I didn’t think Christmas would be hard. I’m so happy to be getting divorced. Yet, there were still rough moments. Memories. Maybe flashbacks are a better word. My therapist said this would happen for about a year. I guess she’s right. But I made it through.

Or so I thought. I missed a call at dinner from Molly. One of my previous college kids I’d taken in. I assumed she was calling about Christmas. 9:30 I finally look closer at my phone – Trey died. My heart shattered, crumbled, into unfixable pieces. Another one of my college kids. A young man who wanted so hard to succeed. To break the cycle that occurs so often on his reservation. To make something of his life. Now he’s just gone. No idea why or how. I’ve been in contact with his family off/on all day. An autopsy is happening. Then we may have answers. Nothings clear. He’d been struggling our last call. I pray it wasn’t suicide. Nothing is good, but the thought he could have felt alone enough to do that on Christmas breaks me.

I’m going to miss that boy. Miss his personality. Miss that he was wise beyond his years. Good, genuine souls are hard to find. This kid had a heart of gold and a long life ahead of him. Gone too soon, 21 years young. He wanted to come visit I’d told him to wait. Now I wish I hadn’t.  I wrote about him previously. He called when he’d heard of the divorce. Called to talk. Called because he cares.

Needless to say I’ve spent the day heart broken. Badly. I’d consider him my own son. It’s a lot. Too much.

I also spent the day tracking down Donterious. My other college kid from that year. Trey’s best friend. This task was far from easy. His phones not on. I finally got a nice officer in the army who called back later to tell me they located his chain of command and he’d be getting the message to call me. No call yet, but it’ll come. It appears he may likely be overseas somewhere. So who knows the time zone difference or what he may be into right now.

One thing I’ve decided amidst all the tears. I think I’m done for today. Done taking in kids that aren’t mine. Done getting attached to humans that I don’t need to be. At least for today. As it breaks my heart when they graduate and move. Breaks my heart when they go home. Breaks my heart when they join the army. And especially breaks my heart when they die.

I’m not cut out for this. Not today. Not know. My heart needs a break. Though the joy is worth it. I’d never change meeting these kids for the world. The pain hurts. Horribly.

Rest in Peace Trey. You accomplished a lot in your short life. You proved you could escape and make something of your life. Your light shined bright. It always will. A piece of your genuineness will live on. Forever. In everyone who ever met you. The world was lucky to have you. We were lucky. Even if the darkness took you away, you tried. That’s all that matters now. Knowing getting out is possible.  But gosh you’ll be missed and you’ll always be loved like my own.