Ghost of Christmas future

For most of my life Christmas has been about family. The first 18 the family I grew up with and the next 30 the family I made. Since 2019 I have had to do this on my own and I haven’t.  No tree, no decoration, no music. Sure my boys come over for a couple hours and I give them gifts, but it’s become just another day.

How does a person who has lost his faith, trust in people, and only real anchor to life move on? All the things that have made me who I am are gone from my life. My kids remain, but have shown me they can go on without me as a regular part of their lives. Does that sound cruel? IDK. All I know is they took to their Mom’s eventual new husband as quickly as she did. They never questioned or misbehaved. You must know he was thrust into their lives hours after I left her so she could have “time”

So here I am on Christmas day. Phone hasn’t rang, no texts, or Facebook messages. My crime? Loving and trusting too much. I want to find something to believe in, something that will make everything make sense. I’m done with religion. I have put my faith into it for all my life. My daughters dead, I’ve lost 2 marriages, I’ve never been able to properly raise my children, my last 3 years with the most important person in my life, my mother, was spent with her drowning in dementia and physically and mentally abusing me as I tried to help. I know it was her sickness, but when you’re dealing with BPD it takes a toll. One year later after her death my ex, out of nowhere, ends our marriage.

When I lost her, I lost somehow lost everything and almost everyone.  The few left keep me at a distance. New people don’t seem to accept me. I have never been this alone.

So today is Christmas again. I’ve watched out my window as neighbors in the complex receive visitors. I’ve heard the loving shouts of “Merry Christmas” several times like a knife to my soul.

I hate that I still care. I want to just shut the world out, but it won’t let me.

I hope all of yours Christmas day are filled with love and laughter and for others that fill as I do, we have to muddle through. Tomorrow is the 26th and the year long dream of not being alone may just be our Christmas future.