The endless circle

We were supposed to be together forever. We lived that way, very few disagreements or fights, common interests, no jealousy, and four great kids and family. Why did it end?

I know most of my entries are the same thing, just wrote in different ways. I just can’t seem to find enough distractions to “stop the thoughts”. Covid has ruined the bar scene, groups now gather online (which doesn’t help without a decent webcam) and the general just going to the mall is now an annoying, mask wearing, dirty looks and asshole people experience.

I live in a 3 room apartment that I can’t do “projects” in or remodel. I used to have my own home, with my own workshop and my own tools. Now some other guy has all that. I had a kitchen with almost every gadget or gizmo you would need, now I have a couple pots and a microwave. I had 24 hour access to my sons, where now I see them essentially 1 1/2 days. I had a partner who I never ran out of things to talk to about and enjoyed every second of the day with and now I am painfully alone. My friends and close family have abandoned me, for reasons I have no answers for. Messages and letters go unanswered. Making new friends or dating in the “Covid” world, especially in a more liberal area, is not happening  and I’m way to bitter with it to join a church.

I know and have met a lot of people over the 3 years since the end who would trade places with me in a heartbeat. A new start, no strings, less responsibilities, and “freedom”…  I never wanted this and to me it has been shear torture. Although I think of suicide, I won’t, if for any other reason than knowing that some how I would screw it up. Being 50, bald, and slightly over-weight doesn’t help. I am working on the weight thing, but when you lose weight quickly at 50, it sometimes makes you look worse.. The “likes” I receive on dating sites are soul killing. Maybe I am narcissistic, but I always managed to get a fairly plain pretty girl most of my dating life. Couple that with the fact that my ex left me for a man I believe is worse looking, more out shape, and 20 years her senior, is a huge blow to what shred of confidence I have left.

99% of the people who assure me that the “right” one will come to me are either married or in a relationship. I used to be one of them too. Always telling the sad lost souls that there is someone for everyone as I held the hand of my wife. 99% of people who say, “learn to love yourself” have semi perfect lives, with friends, family, and comforts. I used to be one of them too. But you know what, 99% of people are there for me in just words on Facebook or places like this and become mysteriously unavailable offline when I ask to meet for coffee, drinks, dinner, or even to watch sports, none of which with any other thoughts than just hanging out. I do realize that all of you live throughout the world, it wasn’t a dig.

I feel worthless, less then, and unwanted. I’m middle aged, with a brain and temperament of a teenager. I believe I have failed at life, at being a father, brother, son, and husband. I have no real retirement, home anymore, possessions like I used to, and savings. A real catch for a single, bitter, and divorced woman my age, you think, nowhere near being a sugar-daddy for anyone younger, and nothing but an anchor to any older ladies.  Maybe I should just lower my standards if I don’t want to be alone and maybe I just used up all the luck, karma, or fate I had needlessly the last 50 years.