My Wonderful Honey

I think I’ve been too hard on him lately. The reality is I do need to let go of the past, but I’m scared of history repeating itself. I am by no means perfect, and I think I’ve been reflecting my own opinions of myself onto him. I’ve been feeling guilty, so I make him out to be a bad guy to feel better about the choices I have made. It isn’t fair to him or me. If I want to keep my relationship I need to let go and move on from the past. I have to be vulnerable, and it’s been something I have been fighting for far too long. The fear of being open has been eating me alive. It isn’t solely my relationship with him causing my anxiety. It’s me being scared of abandonment, and fear of hurting him when I come clean. I would never cheat on him, but I haven’t been totally honest with him. I wasn’t happy, and I searched for happiness else where. I’ve gone on trip trips, and have made friends with people that would probably hurt him. The thing that confuses me though is where am I responsible for his emotions? This is a genuine question. I would have told him the truth, but I was scared of how he would feel. When you are in a relationship you should respect and protect your partner, but where is the line between what makes you happy and what could hurt them? I didn’t do these things because I wanted out of my relationship, but I was searching for my needs to be met through friendships. Does this mean we aren’t a good match? Are we just not on the same page, but still love one another like nobody else? He is my best friend. I don’t want to hurt him, and I want nothing more for than this to work and be everything we’ve dreamed of. I know I shouldn’t have lied to him. I did it out of fear. I had never lived with a significant other before, and it was triggering me to feel like I was back home being abused again, and I ran. If we move back into together again, am I going to feel this way again? I don’t want to lose him. I honestly cannot imagine my life without him. We just have such a long way to go if we are going to make this work. I don’t want to hold on though if it’s never going to go anywhere. This next month is really going to be a tell all. I’m nervous for what may happen next.