I guess I’m a terrible person.

I’m supposed to be perfect I guess. It’s like Greg expects me to make things appear out of thin air for myself. I’m supposed to just MAKE money appear to get driving lessons, or I’m supposed to MAKE people take me driving. I’m sorry Tammy, I know that you leave home at 5 am to go to work every day and then you go to class 4 days a week AND you have 2 kids and a husband to take care of, but can you please drop all of that and take me driving. Oh hello person who might give me a job, I know I just called you 20 minutes ago and you said you weren’t sure yet, but I just walked here and I want you to make up your mind NOW. I want you to just fire someone to hire me. I’m just going to start walking up to people and saying "Hi, I’m 20 and don’t have my license, will you let me drive your car so I can practice?" and I’m sure that the dumb ass who will say yes will do it for free, too.

Oh, and if he joins the military, we’re going to take a break because if he has girls crawling all over him and he’s 2000 miles away from me he wont be able to control himself because he just has no self control. I’m supposed to change all of the things wrong with me, but he can continue to use that excuse. Oh but "I love you. Don’t ever doubt that. I love you with all my heart. I’ll never not love you." Oh and "if I leave I wont just forget about you, I’ll write you and call you and visit you when I’m home, I’m not that heartless."  You’re not too heartless to forget about me, but you can’t fucking keep your pants on because you "have no self control?" You’ve always had a problem with that? FUCKING FIX IT. Work on that shit. Oh but "I’m being honest with you. Do you want me to be all those other assholes and lie to you?" NO, I WANT YOU TO NOT FUCKING TELL ME YOU LOVE ME AND THEN SAY YOU CAN’T CONTROL YOURSELF.

And "love is about more than sex." Because that’s obviously what I’m in it for. I’m dating a person a fucking HOUR away from me, when I have no license, just for the sex. Because I couldn’t just find one of the people willing to fuck me that lives within walking distance. I just tell you I love you so you’ll have sex with me. That’s totally how I am.

Oh, and also, if we live together I’m just going to mooch, because I TOTALLY LOVE doing that. I LOVE asking people for shit. That’s why I do it all the time. That’s why I GIVE HIM money all the time because I KNOW it takes a lot of gas to get here. That’s why I am totally OK with not doing anything because neither of us has money. Because I just loooove to mooch off of people. All we ever fucking do is sit at my house or sit at his house. He has told me a million times since we started dating that "I want to take you out on a real date, I want to take you to dinner somewhere nice" but do we? NO. BECAUSE WERE BOTH FUCKING BROKE.

"I need someone who can stand on their own two feet." Which one of us practically HAD an apartment? Me. I HAD a fucking boyfriend with a place. I practically lived there. All my fucking shit was there. When we broke up I had to have someone HELP me get all of my stuff out of there. I filled the entire back of a car and the trunk with my shit from his place. I helped him make himself a budget. I took his money and paid his bills with it. I cleaned his fucking place every fucking day. When I went back to get my stuff two weeks after we broke up his fuckign place was a shit hole. A fucking hobo wouldn’t deal with that mess. There was no food in his fridge, there were dirty fucking clothes everywhere, his bathroom and kitchen were fucking filthy, the sink was full of dishes, and there was fucking garbage everywhere.

UGGGGHHHHHHHHHH. What the fuck happened to this relationship. All I know is that it needs to stop. It needs to either get fixed or be over. I would like for it to get fixed, because I really fucking care about him, but I can’t take this much longer. Something has to give.