3/20/08

I can feel myself sinking again. I dont even know why. Why does this happen to me? There’s nothing wrong. But I still feel like I just want to cry all the fucking time. And it makes me angry. And then I’m dissapointed in myself.

I feel like people just keep me around because they feel bad for me. I put on my happy smiley face when I’m out and I try like hell to talk and be a part of whats going on, but I feel like I never am. Kerri has replaced me with Lyss. We used to have stupid dinosaur fights and text eachother about nothing. Now she does these things with Lyss. I text her and I get one word answers like "ya" or "ok." I try to ask her questions and see how her life is going but she just brushes me off. And then we all hang out and her and Lyss talk about the shit they’ve talked about all week and when they hung out and whatever else. I don’t even matter anymore.

I am trying really hard to get my life in order and get my license, but that requires getting a physical to get my permit again. Which is really hard to do when the walk in clinic [because I don’t have insurance] is a good 20 minute drive away and no one has time to take Sam to do something important for her. If it impacts their life, then that’s awesome, let’s go, but apparently no one wants to do something that doesn’t help them at all for Sam. I do everything humanly possible to help my friends if I can. When Kerri’s car was in the shop last year for her transmission, I convinced my parents to let her borrow the van. She was embarrassed about driving a big white mini van, but you know what, it got her to work and back and wherever else she wanted to go. She never even thanked me for that.

My mom’s friend Tammy just agreed to take me next tuesday because she shouldn’t have work. I am so thankful for that. It’s been 4 or 5 months since I failed my drivers test and was told I’d need a new physical, and I’m just now finding someone willing to take me. Pathetic.

Greg tells me constantly that he doesn’t like my friends because they don’t help me. And you know what? He’s right. I like being around them, I like hanging out with them, but I think that that’s all it will ever be. We’re all just kind of… floating around, pretending we’re friends. I only have a few freinds left that I know would do anything for me.

It kills me that I can’t just leave my house and just go. I can walk, but that will only get me so far. I can’t just leave my house and say "fuck everything, I’m going to drive and see my boyfriend." or "I’m going to look for a new job." or "I just want to get lost somewhere and clear my head." Right now I’m just sitting on a massage therapy education because I can’t get to any jobs where I could use it.

Fuck man. I didn’t mean to write this much. I guess I had more to say than I thought. Oh well. I’m going to go shower now.