Free

So as I write this entry. I’m out and about at “my spot”. Looking up to the stars, remembering all the warm feelings I get when doing so.
I’m in a predicament in life.
since my divorce back in 2014 I have never given myself time to recover.
I went from alcoholism to whatever I am today.
I’ve been in several relationships and none have lasted longer than 4 months.
I guess it’s the “honeymoon” phase in those 4 months. Then it fades.
I made a huge mistake by letting my current boyfriend/ex boyfriend live with me. Thought it would be a great idea. Well, it wasn’t.
well again I was in the honey moon phase for a while, and I am realizing I don’t wanna be with him and have been feeling this way for months! I want to work on myself. I’ve been through so much the past few years I just need time to myself.
well…I’m his first relationship, yes there’s an age gap. It has bugged me since day one but at the same time I didn’t care because; well…that phase.
we broke up a couple weeks ago but he’s still living with me…he’s supposed to find a place for himself.
but I feel he is ignoring the issue and pretending everything is ok.
it’s not.
because I am not ok.
I want to date myself and learn to love myself again.
he doesn’t understand this.
and I know it’s his first relationship, I do take that into consideration but is there ever going to be a moment that he will give up?
he’s dragging it on and it’s only dragging me down.
I just feel I am back at square one like when I was with my husband.
tied down.
no life.
No friends.

I have to answer to everything I am doing.
no freedom.
I just want to be free.
I can’t be tied down.
it’s not in my blood anymore.
that is what I wanted 8 years ago.
not today.
I am a successful woman, who doesn’t need someone to “control” me.

literally; I just want to be free.