Trapped

Last night I got about 4 hours of sleep. Its something about venting to complete strangers that make me feel comforted. I feel like I am trapped in this body, in this place, in this time and I cannot get out of it all. I lost my dad 4 years ago and my birthday is coming up. I remember he and my mom would call me every year and sing happy birthday. I hardly ever saw them because they lived in a different country but it was special to me. I miss his voice, his smile, his laughter. I miss him dearly. Everyday I wake up its like i’m living a nightmare. The world continues to turn but my life stopped on June 1, 2017. I continue to pretend as if I am okay but deep down inside all I want to do is scream to the top of my lungs. Why did he have to die? Why did he have to leave me? I wasn’t ready. He was 57 years old. Cancer took him. I should have been prepared but nothing could have prepared me for life after his death. When someone dies, people crowd around but even then no one crowded around me. Things quickly went back to normal. Life carried on but my life stopped. How do I move on from here? How do I continue to love? How do I let go of all the pain? Grief is something I will never understand and we will always be at odds.