Baby Blues

Now I live in South Africa and down here we do not celebrate Halloween….so I don’t quite get the craze that has taken over the country over the past few years…but this weekend all I see are pumpkins and ghosts and skeletons….

I was just on Facebook scrolling over the news feed and saw pictures of old friends with their kids all dressed up as some scary thing or princess and videos of them taking their kids trick-or-treating….and as cute as it all is, I just felt so alone….the tears began to build up in my eyes, my heart felt heavy and hard and all I could think was when was it going to be me? When will I be holding my child’s hand and running around begging for sweets?

When I was younger I had it all planned…

1) Great job!

2) Great Husband!

3) Kids calling me mommy

Well number 1 doesn’t matter and neither does number 2….I could do it on my own. I am sure it will be hard but I want my own child….and I don’t care if I have to do it on my own and live juggling 20 balls just to hear a little person call me “mommy” and give me slobbery kisses. Okay I know it is not all that and it is hard, but when is it going to be my turn?

Did G-d just look down and decide that I deserved a life with an alcoholic and figured that that would be my story? I am sorry G-d, I don’t mean to blame you….but seriously I feel like I have been given a shit story and right now because you are the creator of life, I feel like I have to blame you.

My husband is lying on the couch and snoring….it is 18h15…I am lying on our bed  crying and just hoping I get a better story and the answers I need to direct me the right way so I too can be trick-or-treating with my cutie.