Day 3 of Focusing on Being Happy…

Today started off a lil lazy….kept hitting the snooze button on my alarm and delayed getting out of bed for as long as possible.

It is quite obvious that gym didn’t happen today…but on a good note I have been doing what I can to avoid fatty and sugary foods. Even when I was even buying groceries earlier; I avoided the junk food aisles and while queuing to pay and standing in the line surrounded by chocolate and gum and sweets and things disguised as healthy snacks I kept my head held high. And while was thirsty, and perspiring from having to wear a fucking mask instead of grabbing a fizzy drink out of the fridge, I grabbed a bottle of water.

Since this month is all about making that extra effort to be , I did a bit of retail therapy. Bought myself a new pair of shoes and a nightie…all from my favorite store and off a Gift Card, so didn’t have to feel bad about spending money that I technically didn’t have.

I get home and my husband is cleaning the flat….which kinda immediately tells me that he has been drinking.

So to avoid any fight or mood change; I cuddle up on the couch and watch The Bachelorette….I am so  over Nate and Joe…  ,  ,  and  guys….even though Joe has a history ghosting people…well he ghosted Michelle a few years ago, but I will disregard that for now….anyway so I am watching the show on TV and he constantly asks me if I want sushi….or burgers… I tell him that I don’t and ask him to please stop offering me junk food. He goes on about how he didn’t know, even though I told him yesterday…and apologizes. But not even 10 minutes later he asks again. I begin to watch Star, I have the whole series on hard drive so I am busy re-watching it, anyway someone rings the intercom.  He gets up and a few min later he is presenting me McDonald’s food that he got for me.

Did I not just tell him I didn’t want takeaways?

Did I not just tell him that I am avoiding junk food?

He got me a cheese burger and he knows I don’t eat McDonald’s beef burgers nor do I eat cheese burgers. He takes the food and eats it all in the dining room.

I am in our study busy with this entry and he keeps calling me to come talk with him. I tell him I am busy…he then goes on about how he is close to being the ‘Hulk’, so I get up and go to where he is sitting and ask him what is wrong? He goes on about how he is struggling with his thoughts and stresses, but he doesn’t want to talk about it. I ask him why did he call me if he doesn’t want to talk about what is wrong…he said he hates the way I am angry with him…boy did it take a lot form me not to go into why I was angry and start a fight with him…but like a good OD friend told me; I just kept quiet and got up when he wouldn’t say anything more… he goes on about he just needs me to be with him just to calm his mood and anger…

Since I started reading the After Series I just feel as if Anna Todd is writing about me and my husband. We are so bad for each other, yet we do love each other and are drawn to each other. He keeps hurting me and being spiteful but I keep forgiving him and keep hoping that things are going to be different when Monday comes and he has sobered up and the sun is shining and it is a new week so we can start all over again.

Yesterday I bought a pregnancy test…

Lately I have been feeling really weird…and bloated…been feeling nauseous, but haven’t actually vomited or anything…I am late but my period is so irregular and weird and I have got PCOS, so I cannot really rely on that. I have yet to take the test…but while watching Star he tells me how he had a dream last night that I was having morning sickness and he goes on about how he will be a good father and never hurt his own blood….guess it is okay to hurt someone that you vowed, in front of G-d, to love for the rest of your life…anyway when I was getting ready to go out this morning I saw in my bedside table that the pregnancy test was nicely put in there, and I know I didn’t put it in there…so I know that his so called dream was all bullshit.