…

Please, note that english isn’t my native language. Feel free to let me know my mistakes if you want to.

---

Dear Stroke,

Here I am, starring at my screen again, typing meaningless words and none of them seem to be enough to describe what I feel… I’m not sure why I started doing this but I guess that I needed to but put words on all of this like it’s gonna give me all of the answers or fucking change anything.

I know you wouldn’t care if you ever read this cause it’s what people like you do. They don’t care but pretend they do. I should have known better…

3 years now from the day you entered in my life with your brush and started to paint this world to make it something that I could look at without feeling disgusted. You  were this friend who is always here,  and always have the right words at the right times. This friends with who you can talk about everything, anything or nothing at all, anytime.
You made me feel like I wasn’t alone alone anymore, like maybe, just maybe, I’ve been wrong all these years and like I may have a place somewhere in this world. You made me feel safe like nothing could ever happen as long as you were next to me. You made me feel strong. You made me feel home. You were home Stroke.

And I loved you… So much. I gave you everything I had, my soul, my heart. I shared my darkest secrets with you and I’ve been here for you when no one was, I cared about you more than I did about myself sometimes… I believed in you… And lost so much along the way…

3 years from the day you entered in my life only to break every part of me… piece by piece.

But I loved you.
When everything turned into abuse, lies, threats, blackmail and manipulation, I loved you.
When you twisted the reality to a point I wasn’t so sure anymore and started doubting about myself… I believed you. When I had to fight for myself for hours, I forgave you even tho I was bleeding out from inside…
When you broke all of your promises like you never did any of them… I found excuses for yourself. I stayed… beside you.

But now I’m gone… Although  I never felt like I belong to this world… I learned to live with this void inside me. I was okay, before you came in my life.
I was okay before you raise me up only to push me from the ledge… Looking me in the eyes all along my fall, till I hit the ground.

I loved you… Was it a fucking reason to stay ?…

If this is how it feels to survive… Then I don’t want to be alive…

“Cause the brighter that we shine there’s a bigger shadow in our wake”…