Marriage…
People don’t get married for the right reasons anymore….In the past it was for status or money, and now it’s only to be sure you won’t be lonely and miserable – two things nearly every married person still feels anyway. – Hardin Scott (After We Collided – After Series Book 2)
I know this book is just fiction…and in the past it wouldn’t really be a story I would ever be so drawn into…but every scenario in this story is making me question a lot. Question my views and opinions…my marriage…people…
Busy reading a chapter where Hardin is reading Pride and Prejudice and taking note of what Tessa marked and how those lines relate to their relationship. She highlighted a part about marriage and while looking over it, Hardin thinks to himself that… People don’t get married for the right reasons anymore….In the past it was for status or money, and now it’s only to be sure you won’t be lonely and miserable – two things nearly every married person still feels anyway
Now I have grown to have both negative and positive feelings towards him (Hardin)…I find him to be a seriously troubled individual, but the way he feels about marriage is so true…and as much as I want to say he is wrong, I find myself having to agree with him.
I mean I love my husband and as much pain and anger he makes me feel and as much as I question him and me and our relationship, I don’t think that I could ever be happy living my life without him.
Honestly, I don’t know if that is because I love him so much or if it is because I don’t want to live my life ‘alone and miserable‘
About a few months after we got married…it was a Saturday and I wanted to go to a shopping centre…he was finally off work that Saturday and so the plan was for us to spend the day together…so I went off to get my nails done and it was agreed upon that I would fetch him afterwards. I think I might have called him to tell him to meet me outside the flat when I left the spa, but he no longer wanted to go, so I went upstairs to our flat and when I got in he had already started drinking. I can’t remember the exact time but it must have been at about 10 – 11am. He can start drinking really early, I have often seen him start his day at about 8am with a few sips of vodka….anyway so we got into an argument and I remember going on about how he never wants to do anything just for me…and I went on about how he is drinking and he said before we got married he would stop drinking and I couldn’t understand how he could be drinking so early in the morning. He was standing in the bottom corner of the lounge and I was on the opposite end and I remember shouting to him, just before storming out of the flat, that my biggest regret was marrying him.
Before we got married….I think we had been dating for about 6 years or so then…and…I can’t remember how we started talking about this…but we were sitting with some people, and someone asked me if I would ever break up with him…and I said something along the lines of… 
When we were alone he questioned me about it…and I explained that, I didn’t think of him as the penalty choice but I was just going on the fact that he knew me and all my quirks so well and I knew him so well, and I had invested so much time and love in him…we already had our inside jokes and I was so comfortable with him, we had grown up together (yes I do question his maturity sometimes) but we do get each other that I didn’t feel that anybody else could get me nor did I have energy to start all over with someone new…starting with someone new would mean I would spend the next few months/years hiding the true me and learning to be comfortable with someone new.
As much as he drives me crazy I do feel that he is my other whole… yeah I know I should say he is my other half, but I have argued this with him many times before and I still feel that when you enter into a marriage or any relationship you have to give the other person the full you, and together you make a greater whole. I know mathematically 50 + 50 = 100…but when I marry someone I want their good and bag…..theirs ups and down…their smiles and tears so that means I am marrying their 100!!
So I guess when I think about marrying into his 100, you wouldn’t think I agree with Hardin Scott…but on some level I do, because I know that I have been putting up with his drinking and my sadness, as much as I want to say because I love him so much…I know it is because a part of me doesn’t want to live the rest of my life alone….
Well when the 
in me comes out, and I look into my future I only see him holding my hand as we watch out kids run around and drive us crazy.
But I know I don’t want to be alone.
You should look into the sunken cost fallacy. It’s a concept that helped me determine if I was going to stay with my ex or not (obviously not).
@sleeponflyon – thanks.
I have been using some economic weighting for years… the good times outweighs the bad. I tend to only write in my OD when I have drastic emotions (either good or bad) so it maybe seem that most of the time they are bad…but my good feelings towards my husband outweigh the crazy and sad times. At least that was I think.
@ncumisa I understand and totally fair. Not trying to encourage you to split up or anything! You just seem to question staying with him and so I wasn’t sure if an idea like that would help
@sleeponflyon – I know you weren’t encouraging me to split. And I appreciate your help and opinion.
I have questioned staying with him many time before and I am sure I will many times in the future…but right now the good > bad (is greater than the bad) I make more of a profit being with him then I would without him. 😉
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Ohmigosh. Other than the drinking part, I could’ve written this entry almost word-for-word. There is nothing worse than being married and still lonely and miserable!! Sometimes I think the only reason we’ve been together almost 31 years and married 23 is because he works second shift and is hardly ever home. I’m more miserable when he is home because I’m even lonely then… and because he is a real @$$hole.
@caria – I am so glad you got out!
When my husband and I split 6 years ago for about a month; it was the worst month of my life. I started off crying every day for about a week, then not eating so I lost a shit load of weight (Guess that was a good thing) and then I would avoid being home or anywhere that would remind me of him. After awhile I gave in and called him, he was at rehab, and I just missed him so much and he missed me. So I would see him for the day/night and then he would spend the weekend and then I was like: you have got to come back…I know that was love but I am not going to lie and say that the whole being alone in our home didn’t play apart.
@ncumisa I don’t want to be alone either; I’m afraid to be alone. I’m afraid of dying alone. I have no kids. #2 & #3 aren’t going to care for me in my old age, and I have no savings or ability to pay for anything relating to my care – or even for a funeral. That thought terrifies me, even more so now after going through all of this with Mom, and she had me!
I know I love him, but I don’t know that I can continue living with him and being so stinking miserable all the time.
@caria – I am going to tell you something that my sister told me when I got engaged and something that I wish I did back then, I hey it is never too late…and I am sure many old wives will tell you this same….
START A SAVINGS ACCOUNT. so one day when you have enough you are able to start on your own again.
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This is troubling. I’ve been married for 26 years and there have been ups and downs, but the one thing that has kept us going is that we understand that being married means we’re responsible for two people now, not just ourselves. His life is partly my responsibility. Same with his happiness. This has gotten us through a lot. Your husband is an alcoholic. He’s be better off if he got help for that. Consider lovingly seeking to help him with that for him, not for you. If it works then you’ll be happier too.
@scarletibis – I have tried so many times. I have found psych for him, I set him up with my psych, but she won’t see him now cuz she saw me 1st, and I tried being a Christian for awhile for him. He knows I will help however I can. But he won’t see help and thinks he can do it on his own. The fact that he just came home from work a lil tipsy passes me off because just last week he promised me that he would see someone.
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