2021/10/20

I read Fernando Pessoa’s “The Book of Disquiet” again. I feel the desire to write like him. I remember Radiohead sings “If you’re frightened, you can be frightened, you can be, it’s OK” by Pessoa’s writing. Pessoa looks at his anxiety and tiredness and writes about them honestly. As honestly as possible… If you feel that living itself looks like a total wasting time, then you should watch that problem without lying to yourself. And you must start your writing from that point. I guess he is writing about them. Can I write my articles like Pessoa? I can’t see…

“What is the aim of your journal?”. Someone asked me this question. It’s difficult to answer. I just like writing, but I don’t have “catchy” stories or topics so I record every day and that’s all. I remember that Souseki Natsume discusses the meaning of life in his book “And Then”. “Making an objective purpose of a life at first and putting it to a person means robbing his/her free activity at the time he/she was born”. My writing also doesn’t have any “objective” purposes, so I can write freely without concern.

I read Pessoa and Wittgenstein’s “Philosophical Investigations” little by little again… Once I worked hard to keep myself up to current/trendy topics, so I followed what was being published now. Now I just read some important books for myself again and again. Because I got old enough? I can go back to true important books even if the era and the situation around me change drastically. This is genuine happiness. I have good books besides myself so I don’t have to feel lonely. This means becoming an adult.

“If I didn’t meet you at that day, that time, and that place” Kazumasa Oda sings so. Me too. If I didn’t meet my “autistic” friends or Indonesian friends… If I didn’t meet them, my life would go a miserable way. Ah, I had been changed by meeting them… Writing my articles in English, and getting rid of the thought of killing myself, and stopping drinking alcohol. Everything was not the work I could do alone. Precious people make them real and they let me do them easily. I live with them, more, and more…